You know that moment when a conversation with your teen suddenly shifts—when what started as a question turns into a fight?
Maybe you asked them to put their phone away. Or said no to a sleepover. And then boom—they're rolling their eyes, raising their voice, accusing you of being unfair. You respond with a stern tone, maybe a “Don’t talk to me like that,” and before you know it, you’re both shut down or shouting.
Most arguments don’t start with the goal of disconnecting—but that’s often where they end.
This happens because, in the heat of the moment, we stop seeing each other as people. We stop being curious. We stop listening. We focus on winning or protecting ourselves. And underneath it all, there's usually fear or hurt driving the reaction on both sides.
That’s where mindfulness of others comes in.
In DBT, we use the acronym GIVE to teach teens how to stay present in relationships, even when they’re angry, upset, or scared. But honestly? This skill isn’t just for teens. It’s for all of us who want to preserve relationships while still expressing how we feel.
Here’s the heart of GIVE:
Gentle: Speak without threats, sarcasm, or aggression
Interested: Show you care through body language and eye contact
Validate: Acknowledge the other person’s feelings without trying to fix them
Easy manner: Stay open, relaxed, and human
It’s less about the words and more about the energy you bring.
Let’s say your teen is begging to go to a concert and you’ve already said no. They keep pushing. You’re tired, you feel disrespected, and you snap. It happens. But let’s rewind that moment and imagine responding with GIVE:
Instead of:
“Why do you always do this? You’re being so disrespectful right now.”
Try:
“I know this concert is important to you. I’m not changing my answer, but I want you to know I’m listening.”
That simple shift—acknowledging their feelings without giving in—keeps the door open. It sends the message: We can disagree and still stay connected.
And for teens, the skill looks like this:
Instead of:
“You never let me do anything! You don’t trust me at all!”
Try:
“I get that you’re worried. I just want a chance to show I can handle this.”
Do you feel the difference? It's not about pretending everything's okay. It's about staying in the relationship—even when it’s hard.
That’s what our teens need to see. That we can disagree without tearing each other down. That they can express frustration without it ending in silence or screaming. That we’re still on their team, even when we say no.
And here's the kicker: validation isn’t the same as agreement. You can say “I understand” without saying “you’re right.” You can hold your boundary and hold space.
So the next time things start to spiral, try checking in with this question:
Am I showing up in a way that invites connection—or fuels the fire?
And if you miss the mark (because we all do), circle back. Repair matters more than perfection.