Parenting teens isn’t easy. If you feel like your teen is constantly overwhelmed by emotions or making impulsive decisions, you’re not alone. Many parents share the same concerns: Why can’t my teen pause before reacting? Why do they seem so consumed by what they feel in the moment?
The good news is, there’s a proven approach to help. It’s called the What and How Skills, foundational tools in Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) that teach mindfulness—the ability to stay present, manage emotions, and respond intentionally rather than react impulsively.
At our practice, we’ve worked with hundreds of teens and parents over the past decade, and these skills have consistently helped teens build emotional resilience and improve their decision-making. Here’s what you need to know about the What and How Skills, why they matter, and how they can transform your teen’s life.
What Are the What and How Skills?
The What and How Skills form the backbone of mindfulness in DBT. They teach teens not only how to observe their emotions but also how to manage their reactions effectively. These skills break down into two categories:
The What Skills (What to Do):
Observe: This skill is about paying attention to what’s happening internally and externally without immediately reacting. It’s noticing the rising anger, the racing heart, or the external trigger without letting it take over.
Describe: Teens are encouraged to put words to their experience, labeling their thoughts and feelings. Instead of saying “everything’s a mess,” they can describe it as “I feel frustrated because I got a bad grade.” This clarity is key to effective communication and emotional management.
Participate: This step involves engaging fully in the present moment. When a teen is playing a sport, participating means they’re fully immersed in the game, not distracted by yesterday’s argument or tomorrow’s worries.
The How Skills (How to Practice Mindfulness):
Nonjudgmentally: This means observing thoughts and emotions without labeling them as good or bad. Instead of thinking, “I shouldn’t feel angry,” they can accept the anger as part of the human experience.
One-Mindfully: This skill involves focusing on one thing at a time. If they’re doing homework, they commit to just that task without texting, scrolling, or multitasking.
Effectively: Acting effectively means doing what works, even if it’s not perfect. For example, a teen might want to win an argument, but acting effectively could mean walking away to protect their peace.
These steps sound simple, but they’re incredibly effective in helping teens regulate their emotions and make thoughtful choices.
Why These Skills Matter for Your Teen
Emotional reactivity is a common challenge for teens. They experience emotions more intensely than adults due to brain development and social pressures. The What and How Skills help slow down their automatic responses, allowing space for reflection and intentional action.
For instance, if your teen gets a text that says, “I don’t want to hang out anymore,” their immediate reaction might be anger, sadness, or anxiety. Without mindfulness, they may lash out in response or spiral into negative self-talk. With the What and How Skills, they can observe their feelings, describe them accurately, and decide to respond effectively by clarifying the situation instead of assuming the worst.
These skills also improve relationships. When teens learn to act nonjudgmentally and focus on effective communication, they are better equipped to resolve conflicts with friends, teachers, or family members.
A “Real-Life” Example
Take Mia, a 15-year-old who struggled with emotional outbursts whenever she felt excluded by her friends. One afternoon, she noticed that a group chat she was part of suddenly went silent. She immediately assumed her friends were talking behind her back and became furious. Without thinking, Mia posted a passive-aggressive message on social media aimed at her friends.
In her next therapy session, Mia’s DBT specialist introduced her to the What and How Skills. Together, they practiced observing her emotions, describing her feelings of anger and hurt without judgment, and participating in a healthier response. Instead of impulsively reacting, Mia learned to write a message directly to her friend, asking if everything was okay. It turned out that her friend had lost their phone and wasn’t responding to anyone, not just Mia.
This simple shift in behavior helped Mia avoid unnecessary conflict and taught her how to pause, reflect, and respond effectively. It also strengthened her friendships because she communicated directly rather than making assumptions.
Stories like Mia’s aren’t uncommon. We’ve seen countless teens learn to navigate social challenges and emotional overwhelm using these skills.
Proven Success in DBT Skills
With over a decade of experience working with teens and parents, we’ve seen firsthand how transformative the What and How Skills can be. In our DBT groups and one-on-one therapy sessions, these skills have helped hundreds of teens:
Manage anxiety before tests by observing their physical sensations and practicing one-mindfulness.
Resolve conflicts with family members through nonjudgmental communication.
Avoid impulsive actions by participating fully in healthier coping mechanisms like exercise, journaling, or deep breathing.
These aren’t just theoretical skills—they are evidence-based tools that create real, lasting change.
How to Support Your Teen in Practicing These Skills
As a parent, you play a critical role in helping your teen master these skills. Here are some ways to support them:
Model the Skills: Practice observing your own emotions and describing them calmly. When you’re upset, say, “I feel frustrated because of X,” instead of reacting impulsively. Your teen will learn from your example.
Encourage One-Mindfulness: Help your teen focus on one task at a time by setting boundaries around phone use during homework or family meals.
Validate Their Emotions: Remind them that all emotions are valid, even the difficult ones, and that what matters is how they choose to respond.
Remember, these skills take time and practice, but with consistency, your teen will gain greater emotional control and resilience.
Help Is Here
If you want to help your teen build emotional resilience and thrive in their relationships, reach out to our team of DBT specialists today. We offer individual and group programs designed to help teens master the What and How Skills, regulate their emotions, and make thoughtful choices in even the most challenging situations.