Why Every Conversation Feels Like a Battle (And How to Fix It)
You ask your teen to be home by 10 PM. They explode: “You never listen to me! You’re so unfair!”
Or maybe they need help with something, but instead of calmly asking, they lash out: “You don’t care about what I need anyway!”
Sound familiar?
Many parents feel stuck in a cycle where every request turns into an argument. Your teen isn’t trying to be difficult—they just don’t yet have the skills to express their needs in a way that leads to a productive conversation.
This is where DBT’s DEAR MAN skill can help. It teaches teens how to ask for what they need without accusations, defensiveness, or emotional outbursts.
The DBT Skill That Helps Teens Communicate Without Fighting
When emotions run high, requests can sound like demands or even attacks. The DEAR MAN skill helps teens ask for what they need in a way that’s clear, respectful, and effective.
Here’s how it works:
Describe – Stick to the facts. “I have a 9 PM curfew.”
Express – Say how you feel. “I feel frustrated because I don’t get to see my friends as much.”
Assert – Be clear about what you want. “I’d like to talk about extending my curfew on weekends.”
Reinforce – Explain why it benefits both of you. “If I get home on time for two weeks, can we try a later curfew?”
Mindful – Stay on topic, don’t bring up past arguments.
Appear Confident – Make eye contact, speak clearly.
Negotiate – Be open to a compromise. “If later isn’t possible, maybe I can have one later night per week?”
Instead of exploding when they feel unheard, this skill helps teens calmly express their needs—reducing the chances of fights or misunderstandings.
From Meltdowns to Conversations
Sarah, a 15-year-old (mock client) who had always struggled with emotional regulation, often found herself in screaming matches with her parents. Whether it was about screen time, chores, or curfew, every request seemed to end in slamming doors and frustration.
One day, after yet another curfew-related fight, her therapist introduced DEAR MAN. At first, Sarah rolled her eyes. “That’s not going to work. My parents never listen.”
But we decided to try it anyway.
The next time she wanted to ask for more freedom, she practiced.
Old approach: “You always treat me like a little kid! I should be able to stay out later!”
New approach using DEAR MAN: “I’d like to talk about my curfew. I feel frustrated because it’s earlier than my friends’. I’d like to extend it on weekends. If I get home on time for two weeks, can we try it?”
To her surprise, her parents actually listened. The conversation didn’t turn into a fight, and she walked away feeling heard.
Proven Strategies That Have Helped Hundreds of Teens Communicate Better
Drawing from our evidence-based DBT programs, we’ve seen DEAR MAN transform teen-parent communication time and time again. Here’s why it works.
It removes blame. Instead of attacking, teens learn to express needs respectfully.
It reduces emotional reactions. With a step-by-step framework, they focus on the what instead of reacting to the how.
It gives them confidence. Teens feel more in control when they know how to ask for what they need.
Want to help your teen start using this skill? Try this.
Role-play with them. Pretend you’re their teacher, boss, or friend and practice a request together.
Have them text their request first. If emotions are high, writing it out first can help.
Praise their effort, not just the outcome. If they attempt DEAR MAN, even imperfectly, recognize their progress.
Helping Your Teen Communicate With Confidence
When teens learn how to ask for what they need without fighting, everyone wins. DEAR MAN is just one of many DBT skills we teach in our teen groups, helping them build stronger relationships, handle stress, and develop self-advocacy skills that last a lifetime.