Does it feel like your teen’s phone has taken over their world—and yours? Maybe you’re tired of seeing them glued to their screen or wish for more face-to-face moments without the Snapchat filters. You’re not alone.
It’s easy to feel like phones are the root of all problems, but in reality, they’re just a tool. The real question isn’t “How do I get my teen off their phone?” but rather “How can we understand the pros and cons of this behavior to make it more balanced?”
In DBT, we use the skill of weighing pros and cons to make thoughtful, effective decisions. Let’s apply this skill to your teen’s phone use and uncover ways to approach it that build connection instead of conflict.
What Are the Pros and Cons of Phone Use?
Phones, like most things, have both benefits and drawbacks. By taking the time to look at both sides, you can shift your perspective and guide your teen toward healthier habits.
Here’s an example of how you can frame it:
The Pros of Cell Phones
-Connection: Phones help your teen stay in touch with friends and family, especially in a world where social connection is increasingly digital.
- Information:They’re a resource for learning, from school research to exploring hobbies and interests.
- Self-Expression: Social media allows your teen to share their voice, creativity, and personality.
The Cons of Cell Phones
- Disconnection: Too much time on screens can create distance in personal relationships, including yours with your teen.
- Stress and Pressure: Social media often leads to comparisons and fear of missing out (FOMO), contributing to anxiety or low self-esteem.
- Safety Concerns: Oversharing, connecting with strangers, or impulsively sharing inappropriate content can put your teen at risk.
Why This Perspective Matters
When you look at both the pros and cons, you gain a clearer understanding of what’s really happening. Phones themselves aren’t “good” or “bad”—it’s all about how they’re used.
For instance, if your teen spends hours scrolling TikTok, the behavior may seem unproductive. But maybe they’re connecting with friends through shared interests or unwinding after a stressful day. Recognizing the pros doesn’t mean ignoring the cons—it means having a balanced view.
Encourage your teen to think through these lists with you. Ask:
- What do you like most about your phone?
- Are there any downsides you’ve noticed?
- How do the benefits line up with the costs?
This conversation helps them see their habits more clearly while showing that you’re not “anti-phone”—you’re pro-balance.
What to Do Once the Pros and Cons Are Clear
Once you’ve explored both sides, you can work together to find a balance that works for everyone. Here are some ideas:
1. Maximize the Pros:
- Encourage your teen to use their phone for positive purposes, like learning new skills, connecting with loved ones, or expressing creativity.
- Highlight apps and platforms that promote growth and connection rather than comparison and stress.
2. Minimize the Cons:
- Create screen-free zones or times, like during meals or an hour before bed, where everyone (yes, you too!) puts their phone away.
- Talk about healthy boundaries for online interactions, like what’s appropriate to share and how to handle negative content or unwanted attention.
3. Encourage Reflection:
- Help your teen notice patterns. Are they happier after spending time on their phone, or does it leave them feeling drained?
- Use this awareness to guide conversations about making intentional choices with their screen time.
Reframe the Role of the Phone
Phones are part of your teen’s world—just like the landline or TV was part of yours. Instead of making the phone the enemy, focus on what’s behind their behavior. Are they seeking connection? Entertainment? Validation? Understanding the “why” helps you support them in healthier ways.
For example, if your teen is using social media to feel connected, think about how you can support that connection offline. If they’re drawn to their phone out of boredom, brainstorm alternative activities they might enjoy.
The Bottom Line
The skill of weighing pros and cons isn’t about finding a perfect solution—it’s about understanding the full picture and making intentional choices. By taking this approach to your teen’s phone use, you create space for more understanding, less conflict, and better communication.
Phones don’t have to be a source of constant frustration. With a clearer perspective, you can help your teen develop habits that work for them—and your family.