In any relationship, balance is key. We want our teens to experience both the joy of connecting with others and the confidence of staying true to themselves. Relationships are a two-way street, and a healthy connection requires both giving and receiving in a way that feels good to everyone involved.
That’s where two DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) skills come in handy: GIVE and FAST. These tools help teens navigate the nuances of relationships—showing interest and kindness, but also setting boundaries and staying authentic. Let’s break down how these skills work and why they matter for your teen.
The GIVE Skill: Showing Interest, Respect, and Validation
The GIVE skill teaches teens how to show others they care, in a way that’s genuine and mindful. This skill is all about the approach and energy we bring to our relationships. It focuses on:
Gentleness: Approaching others with a gentle, open, and kind demeanor.
Interest: Showing genuine curiosity and engagement by listening and paying attention to what the other person is saying.
Validation: Letting the other person know their thoughts and feelings are heard and valued, affirming that they matter.
Easy Manner: Bringing a relaxed, easygoing vibe that helps others feel comfortable and valued.
Encouraging your teen to practice GIVE helps them become an active listener and a more empathetic friend, sibling, or peer. It’s about giving others space to feel seen and respected, which builds strong, meaningful connections.
The FAST Skill: Staying True to Yourself
While it’s important for teens to show kindness and interest in others, they also need to prioritize their own self-respect. The FAST skill helps teens ensure that they’re not losing themselves in their relationships. This skill focuses on:
Fairness: Ensuring that the relationship feels balanced in effort and respect. Is your teen reaching out just as much as others are reaching out to them?
Apologies: Avoiding unnecessary or excessive apologies. Teens should learn to apologize when it’s truly needed but not feel obligated to apologize just to be liked.
Sticking to Values: Encouraging teens to stay true to their personal values, beliefs, and boundaries.
Truthfulness: Being honest and authentic in relationships. It’s essential that people like your teen for who they genuinely are, not for a version they’ve molded to fit others’ expectations.
The FAST skill teaches teens that it’s okay—even necessary—to set boundaries and stand up for themselves in a relationship. It’s about creating connections where they feel respected and valued, just as they are.
Why GIVE and FAST Skills Matter
When your teen learns how to balance GIVE and FAST, they become empowered to build relationships that are both supportive and respectful. They can show care and compassion without compromising their own identity. And for many teens, this balance can make all the difference in feeling like they’re “enough” just as they are.
Encouraging your teen to use GIVE and FAST doesn’t mean that they’ll never struggle with relationships. But with these tools, they’re better equipped to navigate those challenges and create bonds that support their growth and self-respect.
If you feel like your teen could benefit from support in this area, we currently offer DBT skills groups for both teens and parents. These groups provide a safe, structured environment to learn and practice these life-changing skills. Reach out to learn more!