Communication is the backbone of healthy relationships, and the way you express your needs can either bring people closer or push them away. For parents of teens, learning how to communicate effectively with your child is key to maintaining a strong, supportive relationship as they grow.
The Pitfalls of Passive Communication
Being passive may feel like the safer option, especially if you're trying to avoid conflict. You may tend to agree with others, keeping quiet about your true thoughts and feelings. It feels easier to give in than to risk upsetting someone—particularly your teen. But the downside is that your needs go unmet, and your teen might never fully understand who you are or what you truly need from them. Over time, this can build up into resentment, leading to either explosive outbursts or shutting down completely.
Why Aggressive Communication Feels Justified
On the flip side, aggressive communication comes from a belief that things should be a certain way, often shaped by values, expectations, or frustration. This might manifest as trying to control how others behave or lashing out in anger, especially when your teen doesn’t meet your expectations. While it might feel like you're "teaching them a lesson," aggressive behavior often alienates those closest to you, pushing your teen further away.
The Harm in Both Extremes
Whether you lean toward passive or aggressive communication, both styles are ultimately harmful. Passive behavior erodes your own sense of self, while aggressive behavior damages relationships by pushing people away. Both approaches stem from a need to control—either by sacrificing your needs to keep others close or by demanding that others meet your expectations.
The Power of Assertiveness and DEAR MAN
Assertiveness is the middle ground between these two extremes. It's the balance between honoring your own needs while respecting others, and it’s essential for building healthy, lasting relationships. This is where the DBT skill DEAR MANcomes in.
DEAR MAN stands for:
Describe the situation
Express your feelings
Assert your needs
Reinforce why it’s worth listening to you
Mindfully stay focused on your goal
Appear confident
Negotiate for a win-win outcome
This skill teaches parents how to clearly express their needs while listening to their teens and navigating conflicts with calmness and respect. It allows for a balance where both parent and teen feel heard, fostering a more cooperative and respectful relationship.
Finding Your Balance
Start by taking a moment to reflect on your current communication style. Are you passive, often giving in to avoid conflict? Or do you lean toward being aggressive, pushing for control in difficult situations? Understanding your own tendencies is the first step in making a change.
What’s Your Communication Style?
Think about how you interact in your five most important relationships. Consider these statements and identify where you fall:
I go along with something even if I don’t like it.
I push people to do what’s right, even if it upsets them.
I try to be pleasant and easygoing no matter what people do or say.
I give people a piece of my mind when they deserve it.
I always try to be sensitive to what others need, even if my needs get lost.
I know what I want and insist on it, even if that means getting angry.
If you marked more odd numbers, you may lean toward passive communication. If you marked more even numbers, you might be communicating more aggressively.
Moving Toward Assertiveness with DEAR MAN
The good news is that you can shift toward a more balanced and assertive approach with practice. Using DEAR MAN, you can communicate your needs without aggression or passivity, fostering a deeper connection with your teen. This not only helps you feel more understood but also empowers your teen to express themselves in a healthy, respectful way.
Helping your teen manage emotions and teaching them how to communicate effectively is a powerful tool for life—and it all starts with how you model these skills at home.