Speaking up sounds simple—until you actually have to do it.
You want to set a boundary.
You need to ask for something important.
You’re trying to express what’s bothering you.
But instead of calm, clear communication… it comes out as silence. Or sarcasm. Or a full-blown blow-up that leaves everyone feeling worse.
For teens, this often sounds like:
“You never listen to me anyway, so what’s the point?”
For parents, it might be:
“I can’t say that or they’ll completely shut down.”
And the longer this goes on, the harder it becomes to break the cycle.
Here’s the good news: assertive communication is a skill, not a personality trait. You don’t have to be naturally bold or perfectly calm to get your point across. You just need a roadmap—and in DBT, we use one called DEAR MAN.
It’s basically a script you can adapt to any situation where you want to speak up without blowing things up.
Here’s how it works:
Describe the situation—stick to the facts
Express how you feel—use “I” statements
Assert what you want—be direct and clear
Reinforce why it matters—remind them what’s in it for both of you
Then stay:Mindful—don’t get pulled off track
Appear confident—even if you’re nervous
Negotiate—if needed, find a middle ground
Let’s say your teen wants to stay up later, but they’re worried you’ll say no. Instead of begging or storming off, they try this:
“When I go to bed early, I feel like I’m missing out on time to relax. I’d like to push my bedtime back by 30 minutes. I think I’ll sleep better if I feel like I’ve had time to wind down.”
Or you want your teen to be off screens by 9 p.m. instead of fighting about it every night:
“When we argue about phones at bedtime, I feel frustrated and disconnected. I’d like us to agree on a consistent shut-off time at 9 p.m. I think it’ll help us all sleep better and avoid late-night tension.”
These aren’t magic words. They don’t guarantee instant agreement. But what they do is keep the conversation respectful, focused, and open.
And that alone changes everything.
When we avoid asking for what we need, we build resentment.
When we blow up, we create distance.
But when we’re assertive, we create clarity and connection at the same time.
It might feel clunky at first—like you’re reading from a script (because you kind of are). That’s okay. Clunky is still progress. The more you practice, the easier it becomes to stay calm and clear under pressure.
So go ahead. Write out your DEAR MAN before the conversation. Say it out loud to yourself. Then say it when it counts.
Because being assertive doesn’t mean being aggressive.
It means you believe your voice is worth hearing—without stepping on someone else’s.
And that’s the kind of communication we want to model for our teens.
Clear. Confident. Connected.