As a parent, when your teen has a history of self-harm or suicidal ideation, it’s natural to feel like you’re constantly walking on eggshells. Every decision—leaving them home alone, setting boundaries, or addressing difficult behaviors—can feel like a potential trigger, and that fear can be all-consuming. But here’s the truth: navigating these challenges isn’t just about what your teen does. It’s about how you respond.
One of the most powerful tools you can use to support your teen is distress tolerance—not just for them, but for yourself.Here’s why building your own distress tolerance is critical for your teen’s healing and how it can transform the way you approach those tough moments.
What is Distress Tolerance?
At its core, distress tolerance is the ability to sit with uncomfortable emotions and situations without reacting impulsively or trying to escape them. For teens, this skill is essential for managing big feelings without resorting to harmful behaviors. But as parents, we often forget that we, too, need distress tolerance to effectively guide and support our children.
When you have a higher capacity to tolerate distress, you’re better equipped to:
Stay calm in the face of your teen’s emotional outbursts.
Avoid reacting out of fear or discomfort.
Model healthy emotional regulation for your teen.
Why Parents Need Distress Tolerance
When you’re constantly on edge, worried about a relapse or crisis, your teen picks up on that fear. They may start to feel like a burden or become even more reluctant to open up. Alternatively, your fear might lead you to over-monitor or over-protect them, which can stifle their sense of independence and trust in themselves.
But when parents work on their own distress tolerance, it creates a ripple effect:
Confidence Becomes Contagious:
When you stay calm and grounded, your teen sees that it’s possible to manage tough situations without panic or avoidance. Your calm becomes their calm.You Break the Fear Cycle:
Reacting out of fear (e.g., checking on them constantly or avoiding difficult conversations) reinforces the idea that the situation is unmanageable. By tolerating your own discomfort, you show them that challenges can be faced without spiraling into crisis.You Build a Safe Environment:
A parent who can tolerate distress is less likely to overreact, blame, or criticize, creating a space where their teen feels safe to process their feelings.
How to Build Your Distress Tolerance as a Parent
If this sounds easier said than done, you’re not alone. Building distress tolerance takes practice, but the benefits—for both you and your teen—are worth it. Here are a few steps to get started:
1. Recognize Your Triggers
Pay attention to the situations or behaviors that spike your fear or discomfort. Is it leaving your teen home alone? Watching them isolate? Understanding your triggers is the first step to managing them.
2. Pause Before Reacting
When distress arises, take a moment to breathe before responding. Ask yourself, Am I reacting because I’m uncomfortable, or because this is what my teen truly needs? This pause helps you respond thoughtfully rather than impulsively.
3. Use Grounding Techniques
Grounding techniques, like deep breathing or focusing on the present moment, can help you stay calm in the face of distress. When your emotions are heightened, these tools can bring you back to a place of stability.
4. Focus on What You Can Control
You can’t control every decision or feeling your teen has, but you can control your own responses. When you shift your focus to what you can do—like creating a supportive home environment—you’ll feel more empowered and less overwhelmed.
5. Seek Support
You don’t have to manage your distress alone. Reach out to a therapist, parent support group, or trusted friend to process your fears and frustrations. Sometimes, just knowing you’re not alone can make a world of difference.
A Mindset Shift: From Fear to Trust
One of the hardest parts of parenting a teen with a history of self-harm or suicidal ideation is trusting that they can recover. It’s tempting to hover, monitor, and control every aspect of their life to keep them safe. But your teen’s healing journey isn’t just about preventing setbacks; it’s about equipping them with the tools to navigate life’s challenges independently.
The more you can build your own distress tolerance, the more you’ll trust your teen to handle difficult moments—and the more they’ll trust themselves. Over time, this trust creates a stronger bond between you and your teen, one built on mutual respect and resilience.
The Bottom Line
Parenting a teen who has struggled with their mental health isn’t easy, and it’s okay to feel scared or uncertain at times. But by focusing on your own distress tolerance, you not only regain confidence in your parenting—you also model the calm, steady presence your teen needs to feel supported and safe.
Start small. Practice pausing, breathing, and reminding yourself that discomfort isn’t dangerous—it’s a signal to slow down, not to panic. Over time, these small steps can create a big shift in how you show up for your teen and yourself.
You’ve got this, and you’re not alone. Let’s keep building those skills—together. Reach out to learn more about our Parent DBT Skills Group. Learn to model the skills you’d like to see in your teen.