Everyone has days when they are too hard on themselves, falling victim to negative thinking patterns and low self-talk.
We call ourselves names: “I’m so stupid!” “I’m such a loser!” We tell ourselves that no one likes us. We blame ourselves for situations outside of our control. We think no matter what we do or how hard we try, we will never be able to get to the place we want to be in life.
Even though we can beat ourselves up for feeling this way, it is perfectly normal to experience negative thoughts like these from time to time.
The problem happens when these negative thoughts become a habit and we allow these thoughts to impact our emotions and our decision-making.
When we hold on to thoughts like, “No one wants to spend time with me, I’m such an idiot,” and to the point that it causes us not to reach out to friends or try to meet new people, these thoughts become a reality.
This is especially common amongst teenagers who can have a particularly tough time managing their thoughts and emotions. Sometimes your teen’s negative thoughts can become so overwhelming that they begin to control what your teen says, does, and feels each day. When your teen’s negative thoughts start to manifest into reality, it can increase their anxiety, fear, and self-consciousness which leads to more negative thoughts and self-talk.
It’s a vicious cycle, but it can be broken. If your teen’s thinking patterns are having a negative influence on their emotions and outcomes, here are three tips you can offer to help:
1. Keep track of your thoughts
Oftentimes teens are not aware that they have negative thinking patterns. They might think that these negative thoughts only come up once in a blue moon when in reality, they are thinking negative thoughts about themselves and their situations every day or every week.
Encourage your teen to keep a thought catalog or thought journal where they can jot down pervasive thoughts and start to notice and keep track of any patterns that might emerge. After they write down their thoughts, have your teen ask themselves: Why am I feeling this way? What is making me think that I won’t be able to reach this goal? Why am I blaming myself for this outcome?
They might realize that they are experiencing negative thinking more often than they thought, or they might start to notice that their thoughts are more negative on days when they have cello practice or a test or when they hang out with a particular friend.
Identifying these thought patterns is the first step to making changes. Before your teen can eliminate negative thinking patterns, they need to know that they are having these negative thoughts in the first place. Keeping track of their thoughts with a journal will help them get on the right track.
2. Give your thoughts a reality check!
Just because your teen might think their negative thoughts are accurate does not make it so. Teach your teen how to challenge their negative thoughts and negative self-talk.
For instance, if your teen has been practicing all summer, but thinks, “I’m not going to make the tennis team. I shouldn’t even waste time trying out,” you could have them challenge their thoughts by asking the following questions:
Am I 100% sure that I won’t make the team if I try out?
Why do I think that I won’t make the team if I’ve been practicing all summer?
If I don’t make the team, what is the worst that can happen? Will I survive? Can I try out again next year?
When your teen is able to challenge their thinking, it can help prevent them from allowing their negative and inaccurate thoughts to dictate their actions and outcomes.
3. Practice positive self-talk
Our self-talk has a major impact on the way that we feel about ourselves. If your teen practices negative self-talk, it can have detrimental effects on their life.
For instance, if your teen knows they have to take a test and thinks, “I’m going to fail this test and this test because I’m dumb,” it will make them feel anxious or upset about the test and influence how well they do on test day. However, if your teen thinks, “I’m prepared for this test, and if I get a bad grade, I can always ask the teacher for extra help,” they will head into the test with a more positive attitude, and they will likely do better.
Positive self-talk can make a difference in your teen’s emotional state and their ability to achieve favorable goals and outcomes.
Reminding your teen about the power of positive thoughts and positive self-talk will help them learn to challenge their negative thoughts and keep these thoughts from becoming a reality.