When your teen was little, there were probably moments when they got hurt and called out to you for help. Whether they fell off their bike or scraped their knee playing outside, they knew two things could make everything better: a hug and a Band-Aid.
If your teen was like most children, they would ask for a Band-Aid even if they weren’t bleeding. In their young minds a Band-Aid would fix everything.
As a parent, you knew back then that these bandages wouldn’t actively heal your child’s bumps or small scrapes, but you probably gave them one anyway. They provide comfort when your child is sad and scared after falling down, and they don’t cause any harm. If it makes your kid feel a bit better, what’s the big deal?
While this may be true of handing out physical bandages, it can be problematic when it comes to Band-Aid solutions.
Now that your child is a teenager, they look to you for a lot more than help with bumps and bruises. When they are feeling nervous or anxious, they seek out reassurance that everything is going to be okay.
While it is perfectly normal for teens to seek out reassurance from their parents, it becomes a problem when they shift to excessive reassurance seeking- asking the same questions again and again due to overwhelming or perpetual fear and anxiety.
Are you sure my homework looks good? I don’t want to lose any points!
Do you think I’ll get asked to the dance? I feel like no one likes me.
Did you turn off the oven at home? Are you sure?
While it might seem like it is not a big deal to give your teen reassurance in these moments, this is only a Band-Aid solution. However, unlike when you would give your child a bandage even if they didn’t need one to make them feel better, giving your teen this Band-Aid solution will cause more harm than good:
Reassurance is only temporary
When you give your teen reassurance, it only helps them to feel less anxious in the moment. It does nothing to address the issues at hand or to help them relieve their anxiety and anxious tendencies.
For instance, if your teen is full of anxiety over whether or not the front door is locked at home, reassuring them that you have locked the door will help them feel better momentarily, but it won’t address the reasons why they are so petrified that the door is unlocked or help them learn how to cope if the door was to be left unlocked.
If your teen wants you to review their homework multiple times to reassure them that they haven’t made any mistakes, offering this reassurance doesn’t help them recognize why they are so afraid of losing points on their assignments or take steps toward helping them avoid perfectionism.
Offering reassurance can be problematic because it doesn’t solve any problems and it only causes your teen to continue feeling anxious when situations are outside of their control.
Giving reassurance creates a perpetual cycle
As you’ve probably already realized, giving reassurance is not a one-and-done situation. When you reassure your teen, they will know that they can come to you time and time again for reassurance. This creates a cycle that will be hard for both of you to break.
The more reassurance you give, the more reassurance your teen will want. This can be exhausting for you as a parent, and it only enables your teen to continue this behavior.
Reassurance justifies your teen’s anxious behavior
If your teen seeks reassurance every day because they are worried that you left the front door open or unlocked, reassuring them that you locked the door sends the message that they are right to worry.
Instead of working on addressing the reasons behind their fear and anxiety, your reassurance shows them that they were right to ask and that they should continue asking so that the worst case scenario in their mind doesn’t come to fruition.
While offering reassurance is not the best solution for handling your teen’s anxiety and reassurance seeking, many parents continue to reassure their teens because they are not sure what else they can do.
If you find yourself having the same problem, here are some steps that can help:
Name the problem. It will be hard for your teen to make any progress if they do not know that they are reassurance seeking in the first place. Teach them about reassurance seeking and have them start to take note of times when they feel like they need to ask for reassurance.
Be consistent. If you give in and offer reassurance sometimes but not others, it won’t help your teen learn how to cope without seeking reassurance. Create a plan and stick to it.
Remember your goal. While it might seem harsh or mean not to offer reassurance to your teen, remember that your goal is to help them tackle their anxiety instead of helping it grow.