by Jessica Nopper
Imagine the last time you argued with your teen. There could be a million different situations that prompt an argument, but most follow a similar pattern. You and your teen probably disagreed about something, and each of you was probably trying to prove that your perspective was the right one. Consider the following fictitious example of an argument between Diane and her daughter, Laura. Notice any similarities between their exchange and a typical argument with your teen.
Diane: I asked you to clean your room before I got home. What have you been doing all day? Because you obviously haven’t touched your room – I can barely walk in there.
Laura: Why do you care whether my room is clean? It’s my room, you shouldn’t care what it looks like!
Diane: It is your room, but that’s not the point. I asked you to do something, and you didn’t. It’s your job to take care of your space while I’m taking care of the rest of the house.
Laura: (sarcastically) Well, I’m sorry I didn’t clean my room. I don’t even remember you asking me to! Why do you insist on telling me to do things in the morning when I’m barely awake to listen to what you’re saying?
Diane: Because the morning is when I’m home! It’s not my fault that you stay up so late. Next time, when I ask you to do something, you need to do it.
Laura: But I’m not just tired because I stay up later than you. I’m also in school all week, and I barely have enough time after school to do my homework. I don’t want to wake up early on my weekends and clean. Why can’t you give me a break? You have no idea what it’s like!
Diane: Oh please, as if I’m not working and taking care of this house, which is far more work than high school. Enough arguing with me. There’s no reason why you can’t keep your room under control. Now get up and take care of it before dinner.
Sound familiar? Who do you align more with, Diane or Laura?
There are many ways this duo could improve their communication strategies to reduce conflict, but let’s focus on one key problem: each person’s belief that they’re right and the other is wrong.
It’s natural when we’re in conflict to advocate for our side of the story. We want to be heard, understood, and agreed with. When we’re emotionally activated – feeling shame, anger, rejection, or any other unpleasant emotion – it’s especially hard to put aside our perspective to hear, understand, and agree with the other person. So if both people are focused on proving that their perspective is right, how will the conflict ever be resolved?
An Intro to Dialectics
DBT stands for Dialectical Behavior Therapy. The concept of “dialectics” is so important, it’s quite literally in the name. In basic terms, dialectics tell us that there are always multiple ways to view a situation, and two different (or even opposite) ideas can be true at the same time.
So what does that mean for Diane and Laura? It means that neither of them is totally right or totally wrong. Each person has a valid perspective that can be true at the same time, even if they conflict. Let’s identify some of those valid perspectives:
Diane asked Laura to clean her room, so she expects Laura will. Understandably, Diane feels frustrated that Laura didn’t do as she was asked.
Like many other teens, Laura doesn’t care about keeping her room clean. Like most people, she wants to spend her time and energy on tasks that are important to her.
Diane is out of the house for most of the day, so it makes sense that she makes requests of Laura when she’s home in the morning.
Laura is tired when she first wakes up. Her brain is rebooting, and it has a harder time hearing and processing information, so she often forgets what her mom tells her to do.
Diane and Laura both work hard in their life roles. Diane spends her time working and taking care of her household. Laura goes to school, does homework, and engages in extracurriculars. Of course they don’t jump at the chance to do chores in their free time!
By focusing on the valid in each perspective, Diane and Laura can find common ground that brings them closer to mutual understanding and collaborative problem-solving. But what does that actually look like?
A Simple Language Change
For many people, dialectics can seem like a vague concept. But there’s one simple adjustment to the language you use that can make a big impact in increasing connection with your teen: replacing “but” with “and.”
When we argue with one another, we focus on how and why our perspective is the right one. We often disagree, invalidate, and negate what the other person is saying. What if instead, we shifted to point out how multiple perspectives are valid? Consider how the interaction between Diane and Laura could have gone.
Diane: I asked you to clean your room before I got home. What have you been doing all day? Because you obviously haven’t touched your room – I can barely walk in there.
Laura: Why do you care whether my room is clean? It’s my room, you shouldn’t care what it looks like!
Diane: It is your room. I can understand how it’s not important to you to clean it [validation]. And at the same time, it’s important to me to have a clean house, which includes your room [dialectic].
Laura: I don’t even remember you asking me to clean my room. Why do you insist on telling me to do things in the morning when I’m barely awake to listen to what you’re saying?
Diane: I bet it is difficult to remember when I talk to you in the morning. I know how hard it is for you to wake all the way up [validation], and that’s also when I’m home [dialectic]. I wonder if we can come up with a better way for me to ask you to do chores [collaborative problem-solving].
Laura: Yeah, maybe. I mean, couldn’t you just text me? And could you give me a few days to get it done? I’m just so tired on the weekends, I really hate cleaning.
Diane: I hear you, actually, I hate cleaning too [validation]. And I also like having a clean house [dialectic]. Maybe we could even clean at the same time, if that feels motivating [collaborative problem-solving].
In this second example, we see Diane validating Laura’s perspective (communicating that her thoughts or feelings make sense) while sharing a different perspective that also makes sense. Laura doesn’t care about having a clean room, and Diane does. It’s hard for Laura to hear requests in the morning, and the morning is when Diane is home. Laura and Diane dislike cleaning, and cleaning is part of their household responsibilities.
This shift to “and” provides the opportunity for Laura to feel heard and understood. Even though Diane is sharing a different perspective, her different perspective doesn’t negate Laura’s. Diane and Laura can find common ground, identifying a shared problem and starting to figure out how to collaboratively resolve it.
Try It Yourself!
Want to start thinking and communicating dialectically? Try these strategies:
Start to notice when people convey disagreement, in television, movies, and your everyday life. Consider whether multiple perspectives may be valid at the same time. Can you agree with part of what each character or person is saying?
Observe when you think or feel two conflicting ways at the same time. Maybe you feel both happy and sad about a recent life transition. Acknowledge that one thought or feeling doesn’t negate the other.
When you disagree with your teen, first identify what is valid about their perspective. Validate it, then share another perspective using “and.”
When there’s room for your perspective and your teen’s perspective to coexist, you can devote less time and energy to proving why your perspective is “right” and focus instead on connection, understanding, and solving the problem at hand.