For the Parents Who Lie Awake Replaying That One Conversation
If you’re parenting a teen, chances are you’ve had moments where you questioned everything.
You snapped during a stressful moment. You brushed off something that clearly mattered to your teen. You said the “wrong” thing, even though your intentions were good.
Maybe you were running on fumes and missed an opportunity to truly listen. Maybe you tried to offer a solution when your teen just needed you to hear them.
Or maybe you’re being harder on yourself than anyone else ever would.
In the quiet moments after these interactions, your mind might start racing with thoughts like:
I can’t believe I said that. I’m the worst.
I always mess this up. Why can’t I be better?
My teen must think I don’t care.
I’m ruining our relationship.
It’s completely normal to feel upset after a misstep, but staying stuck in guilt won’t help you or your teen. Let’s talk about what will.
Why Beating Yourself Up Doesn't Make You a Better Parent
Making mistakes doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong. It means you’re human, and parenting a teen is full of moments where emotions run high and miscommunication happens.
The problem isn’t that you messed up. The problem is what happens after.
When you get caught in a cycle of shame, you may:
Avoid future conversations for fear of messing up again
Overthink everything you say and do
Pull away from your teen instead of moving toward them
Let’s say your teen says, “I’m so upset I failed my math quiz,” and you respond with, “Well, that’s why you need to study more.” You meant to be helpful, but instead, your teen shuts down, says “You don’t get it,” and walks away.
If you stay in a loop of regret or beat yourself up for “ruining everything,” you lose the chance to make it better.
Instead of withdrawing, what helps is returning with honesty and care:
“Hey, I realize I didn’t respond the way you needed. Want to try that again?”
That moment of repair builds more trust than perfection ever could.
Giving Yourself Permission to Be a Work-in-Progress
Perfection isn’t the goal. Progress is.
The belief that you have to always get it right can cause more harm than a single misstep ever could.
It’s okay to feel frustration. It’s okay to be tired. It’s okay to have a short fuse on a long day.
What matters is what you do next.
Every parent has moments where they don’t show up as their best self. But allowing yourself to recognize that, take accountability, and reset is what creates growth.
There’s a quote from East of Eden by John Steinbeck that’s always stuck with me:
“And now that you don't have to be perfect, you can be good.”
You can be a strong, grounded, loving parent even if you had an off day. Actually, especially if you had an off day and still chose to reconnect.
Repair Is More Powerful Than Perfection
Teens get triggered. Especially highly sensitive ones. And sometimes, even your best efforts can land wrong.
That doesn’t make you a bad parent. It just makes you someone who’s in a relationship with another human being who has emotions, needs, and their own filters.
You can’t guarantee you’ll never upset your teen. But you can repair when it happens.
When you say:
“I see that I hurt you, and I’m sorry”
“I could’ve said that differently”
“I want to understand you better”
you model something powerful: accountability with love.
These moments of repair teach your teen that relationships are safe, flexible, and able to withstand mistakes.
Give Yourself the Same Validation You Offer Your Teen
Parents are often their harshest critics, especially when they feel guilty for snapping, shutting down, or reacting out of stress.
But your feelings don’t make you a bad parent. They make you a human being doing an incredibly hard job.
It’s normal to feel irritation, overwhelm, or burnout—especially when your teen is struggling or emotionally intense. These feelings don’t mean you don’t care. In fact, they often show how much you do.
The more you learn to validate your own internal experience, the more emotionally available you’ll be for your teen. That doesn’t mean excusing everything. It just means being honest about where you’re at without adding a layer of shame on top.
Try this:
“It makes sense that I felt overwhelmed earlier. That was a tough moment. I can learn from it and still be a good parent.”
Why Modeling Mistakes Builds Trust
Teens don’t need perfect parents. They need real ones.
When you can say, “I didn’t handle that well,” or “I lost my cool and I’m sorry,” you’re showing your teen that it’s okay to mess up and come back from it.
You’re teaching them:
How to repair a rupture in a relationship
That it’s safe to admit fault and take responsibility
That love isn’t dependent on being perfect
Trying to appear like you always have it together can actually backfire. Teens are highly attuned to inauthenticity. They’re more likely to open up when they know they’re safe to be imperfect—because they’ve seen you do the same.
What Your Teen Learns When You Model Repair
That people can be upset and still care about each other
That apologies aren’t weakness—they’re strength
That emotions don’t have to fracture a relationship—they can deepen it
You don’t need to script the perfect response. You just need to stay present and be willing to reconnect.
You’re Probably Doing Better Than You Think
If you’re reading this and worried that you’re not doing enough or getting it right, you’re already showing up with care and intention.
You wouldn’t feel guilt or sadness if you didn’t deeply love your teen. You wouldn’t be reflecting on your words if you didn’t want to improve.
So here’s your reminder:
You’re not expected to be perfect.
You’re expected to grow, to repair, and to keep showing up.
That’s what makes you a good parent.