If you are the parent of a teen, chances are you have seen them say or do things that you have thought were manipulative:
Maybe they have a tendency to burst into tears when things aren't going their way.
They might act extra nice and sweet when they are about to ask you for something
You may have seen them post a sad picture on Instagram for likes.
They could have a pattern of acting offended or hurt when you tell them “no.”
When you have the thought that your teen is being manipulative, it can be hard to offer support.
While you want to validate their feelings and experiences, you worry this will enable problematic behavior. In your experience, you think they are doing these behaviors in order to get something, and you do not want to reward their actions.
However, it is important for you as a parent to recognize that when teens act in certain ways in order to get their needs met, these actions and behaviors are not something that they are doing on purpose.
When people use the word “manipulation,” it often comes with a negative connotation. You might think that when your teen is being malicious when they try to soften you up in order to get something or if they act sad when you tell them they cannot do something they want to do.
But the truth of the matter is that they are often not doing these behaviors purposefully. Their brain learns what works, and it tells them to keep doing that in order to help them meet their needs.
For example, if a teen posts a photo on Snapchat in which they are crying or depicting self-harm, they might find that they get a lot of love and attention pouring in from their friends. This makes them subconsciously realize, “I have a lot of people showing me that they care about me, which is something that I desperately need right now.” Their brain learns this, and the next time they are feeling rejected or unloved, they will post on their Snapchat story again, because that is what worked the first time.
So how can you help put a stop to these behaviors and recognize that your teen’s actions are not manipulative, but rather an example of behaviorism?
Find the root of the problem
Rather than assuming and feeling 100% certain that when your teen is behaving in certain ways for personal gain, try to find out what their actual problem or desired end result might be.
Maybe they are feeling rejected or neglected. Maybe they feel lonely or like they are lacking support.
For instance, if your teen screams, “I hate you!” when you say you won’t take them to get manicures, it could really be that your teen is actually feeling self-conscious about the way they look or that they are feeling lonely and want to spend some time with you.
Recognizing the root of the problem will help you understand that they are not being manipulative, but rather experiencing some tough and very real emotions.
See how their behaviors have been reinforced
Remember, your teen is not manipulative, their actions are a result of behaviorism. This means that there is a great chance that their behavior has been supported and reinforced in the past.
Examine how they may have learned that this behavior works in the past and make sure you do not reinforce it in the future.
So for instance, if every time they say that they hate you, you give in to what they want out of guilt or trying to avoid feeling disliked, they will learn that those words will help them achieve their desired results. Again, this is not malicious behavior, but rather a learned behavior that has been reinforced.
If possible, you need to try to help them achieve their desired results without reinforcing any negative behavior.
Offer their desired results without the negative behavior
Just because you have stopped reinforcing the negative behavior, it does not mean that you cannot still provide them with their desired end result.
For instance, if your teen knows that the only way to receive your undivided attention is when they sob and say “No one likes me!” or when they self-harm, you can help reduce or eliminate this behavior by making a conscious effort to put your phone and any distractions away when they speak to you and provide them with extra love and attention every day.
When your teen recognizes they are able to get the love and support they need without posting a sad picture on social media or having an outburst, these seemingly manipulative behaviors will slowly start to fade away.