One of the most important things you can do as a parent of a teenager is to offer them validation. While this can be easier said than done, with a little practice, you can start using this skill with ease and make a tremendous difference in your teen’s life.
There are six levels of validation, and while each step is different, each of these levels can be just as helpful for validating your teen. If you want your teen to truly feel validated, it is important for you to learn how to practice and implement all six of these levels.
Level 1 ~ Active Listening
The first level of validation is just being alert, awake, and paying attention. If your teen comes to you with a problem or they are wrestling with big emotions, it is important that you demonstrate active listening.
Put your phone down, turn away from your book or your cooking or whatever is currently captivating your attention, and look at your teen when they are talking to you.
Show your teen that you are listening by nodding your head or saying affirmative active listening words like “uh-huh” or “yes.”
The key is that you want to show your teen that they are important enough to have your full focus and attention.
Imagine how you would feel if you lost your job or your car broke down and when you went to tell your spouse or a close friend they couldn’t bother to turn away from the television. You would feel like they value the show they are watching more than you, right?
That’s exactly how your teen feels when they come to you and you don’t show them that you are willing to listen to the problems they are facing.
While this step might seem small, it is critical for validating your teen and their feelings.
Level 2 ~ Accurate Reflection
The next step you need to take toward validating your teen is offering accurate reflection. This is paraphrasing and repeating back their feelings in order to help them feel heard and demonstrate that you understand how they are feeling.
Try using sentence starters like:
That sounds…
You seem…
This seems like…
It must be…
For example, if your teen comes to you distraught about something their best friend said to them, you might say, “It must be really frustrating that your friend upset you in this way.”
If your teen is talking about how they have a lot on their plate and they don’t think they can balance it all, you might say, “You seem really overwhelmed” or “Juggling all of these responsibilities sounds really hard.”
Accurate reflection is helpful for making sure your teen knows that you understand the situation they are facing and the feelings they are experiencing.
Level 3 ~ Articulate Non-Verbals
Sometimes your teen will say things like “I’m fine,” or “It doesn’t’ matter,” or “it’s not a big deal. I’m okay,” but their body language will tell you that they mean the opposite.
If your teen is saying that they are fine, but you notice that they look really sad or that they are barely containing their anger, don’t just let it go and move on. Show your teen that you are taking an active interest in their situation and their feelings by articulating their non-verbal cues.
For instance, if your teen says, “It’s no big deal, and I’m not upset,” it can be helpful for them to hear you say, “I know you are saying that this is no big deal, but you look really sad right now. Are you sure there isn’t something upsetting you?” or “I understand that you’re saying that you’re fine, but you seem really frustrated right now. What’s going on?”
Articulating non-verbals shows your teen that you are truly paying attention and that you really want to help them feel better.
Level 4 ~ Historical Context
This might sound complicated, but it is an easy step you can take to help your teen feel valued and validated. In order to practice this level of validation, you simply need to listen to your teen’s experiences through the lens of their past experiences. Ask yourself how their history informs their current situation.
For instance, if your teen tells you that they did not get invited to a popular student’s birthday party, your immediate thoughts might be “No big deal, they won’t get invited to every single party,” or “There will always be other parties to go to, why is this one so important?”
However, if your teen has a history of being bullied or being excluded by people in this student’s friend group, this situation can be viewed much differently. Now instead of wondering why your teen is sensitive to missing this party, you will be able to understand, empathize, and say something validating like, “I know you have always felt left out and singled out by that group. It makes sense that this would make you so upset. I would be upset, too!”
If your teen is acting out or upset because they recently earned a lower score than they expected on a math test, it might be easy to dismiss their frustration as an overreaction about a single grade.
However, if you consider the fact that they were just dumped by their significant other and cut from the basketball team, you will be able to say something validating like, “I know that you have been going through a lot of letdowns and disappointments recently. I understand why this would make you feel so bummed out.”
Allow your teen’s history to provide the much-needed context that will help shape how you are able to respond to their feelings.
Level 5 ~ Relay the Normal Human Experience
When your teen is facing overwhelming emotions, it can be easy for them to feel like they are all alone or like there is something wrong with them.
Level five of validation allows you to observe their feelings and connect these feelings to the larger human experience in order to help them feel less alone and remind them that their feelings are normal.
If your teen is feeling like a failure because they are having a hard time focusing on school right now, it can be helpful to say, “I understand why you are feeling this way. A lot of students are having a hard time focusing on school with the constant switches from in-person to online learning and the other struggles of this pandemic.”
If your teen is feeling lonely because they are unable to see their friends during quarantine, you might say, “I totally get why you feel so isolated during this pandemic. I bet a lot of people are struggling with loneliness right now.”
While you do not want to sound dismissive or like their feelings are not important, it can make a huge difference when your teen is able to see that their emotions are not strange or inappropriate, but actually quite normal.
Level 6 ~ Radical Genuineness
This level of validation occurs when you are able to just respond in the moment, human to human. This level is particularly helpful for teens because it allows them to see you as a person who truly cares about them and wants to support them.
Here’s how radical genuineness works:
Say your teen comes to you upset that they didn’t make the soccer team. Saying “That sucks,” or “Wow, that coach is really going to miss out on your potential” will let your teen know that you are on their side and in their corner.
Radical genuineness shows your teen that you understand and relate to their experience, and it will help them feel validated.