When your teen has social anxiety, there are going to be times when they want to avoid certain people, places, or activities.
This could be for many reasons:
Fear of the unknown: When your teen can’t predict what’s going to happen, it makes them anxious.
Fear of the known: Maybe your teen feels like they know what will happen and that it will be unpleasant or uncomfortable.
Fear about losing control: Maybe the situation your teen is avoiding has too many variables that will be out of their control.
Regardless of why your teen practices avoidance, this is a behavior you want to help them...avoid.
While it can be easy as a parent to think that when your teen misses a social event or doesn’t want to hang out with a close friend out of anxiety isn’t a big deal in the short term, avoidance is a behavior that can harm your teen in the long term.
Right now it might seem like a small action like missing a party (maybe one that you didn’t even want them to go to in the first place!), but later on it could become more problematic:
They don’t try out for the basketball team because they are worried about what other people might think if they miss a shot
They don’t speak up during class because they get anxious about making a mistake
They avoid doing their favorite activities because they are worried about what might happen
If this compulsive behavior isn’t addressed, it could spiral out of control. Your teen might go from avoiding a specific situation to avoiding any situation that could be remotely similar to that situation. For instance, they might go from avoiding parties to avoiding any social gathering from school to a concert to their high school debate banquet. Avoidance might also hinder your teen from learning to cope with negative situations or learning how to manage their anxiety.
While it’s true that everyone avoids things at one point or another, it is problematic when this avoidance becomes a habit or compulsive behavior.
If you start to notice your teen saying things like “I don’t really feel like going out tonight, I have a lot of homework to catch up on,” or “I’m not sure I want to try out for the team this year, I’ve been really tired recently,” or “I feel too sick to go to work,” more frequently than not, they might be engaging in avoidance.
Here are some ways you can help your teen avoid avoiding:
Encourage partial avoidance
Instead of avoiding a particular event entirely, teens can practice partial avoidance. This might mean taking a moment to remove themselves from a situation rather than missing out on an event entirely.
For example, instead of skipping your family’s holiday party, they can go knowing that they can step outside and take a breather when needed.
This is a helpful technique that is used in exposure and ritual prevention therapy (ExRP). With this tool, instead of avoiding situations and letting their anxiety build, your teen will learn how to manage their feelings of anxiety through controlled exposure.
Offer validation
Be careful not to minimize or dismiss your teen’s feelings, especially when they are dealing with anxiety. When they are tempted to avoid an event, talk to them about why they don’t want to go and let them know that their feelings are valid.
Practicing validation will help them learn to recognize patterns and feelings surrounding their anxiety and avoidance behavior, and it will show them that they can continue to go to you for support.
Practice anxiety coping skills
If teens are equipped with strategies to help them manage their anxiety, they will be less likely to feel completely out of control or overwhelmed when they start feeling anxious.
Here are a few strategies that you can practice:
Deep breathing or other breathing regulation exercises
Grounding techniques like counting backward from 50 or identifying nearby objects
Journaling or art therapy
When your teen is stuck in a pattern of avoidance, practicing partial avoidance, anxiety coping skills, and validation can provide the support and strength that they need to avoid avoiding and make progress toward managing their anxiety.