As a parent, you have learned to accept that there are going to be things outside of your control. Instead of trying to bend an environment or a situation to your will, you have experience rolling with the punches and making adjustments on your end in order to reach a desirable outcome.
This willingness to do whatever it takes to be successful regardless of your circumstances is not always easy for teens.
Many times, teens fall into the habit of being “willful” instead of “willing,” trying to shift their environment to their own wants and needs instead of shifting their own actions or attitude.
For example, maybe your teen didn’t complete an assignment they were expected to turn in and said things like “If my teacher would have explained the material in a different way…,” or “if every teacher didn’t assign homework on the same night…,” or “if we were in person instead of online…” then they would do better instead of focusing on their own actions.
Maybe your teen isn’t starting on the football team this weekend, and they say things like, “well if the coach was better at recognizing talent…,” or “if we weren’t forced to memorize so many plays” then they would be starting instead of focusing on how they can improve.
This is willfulness.
Rather than changing to adapt to their circumstances, teens who practice willfulness wait on the world to change in order to meet their needs. Rather than accepting what cannot be changed, they think that they can will their way through a situation that revolves around them.
While it is natural for teens to practice willfulness from time to time, this can be incredibly frustrating on an interpersonal level.
This can be incredibly frustrating on an interpersonal level.
As a parent, you want your teen to be equipped to handle challenges and obstacles that come their way, and you want them to be able to adapt to their surroundings instead of willing their situation to change.
Even though you want to validate your teen’s feelings, it can also be discouraging to hear your teen blame everything and everyone but themselves for the undesirable outcomes.
If you notice that your teen has a pattern of willfulness, you can help by encouraging them to practice willingness instead.
Here are a few tips that can help your teen move from willfulness to willingness when facing difficult situations in their life:
Embrace acceptance
When talking with your teen, help them acknowledge and accept that they are going to have experiences where they are unable to change their circumstances.
Regardless of how difficult or strange it may be for your teen, some schools are doing online-only education right now.
Regardless of how they feel about their coach, they will have to play football for that same coach all season.
Once your teen learns to accept that there are things in life they cannot change, they will be able to turn their mind toward what they can change: their own actions.
While nothing they can say or do will be able to change their circumstances, they can take steps that will help them succeed in their present situation.
Make a plan
Help your teen figure out what they can do to be effective and find success in spite of their circumstances.
Try saying things like, “I understand that online learning is frustrating, especially when you have so much classwork to complete. Let’s create a schedule to make sure you are able to keep up with all of your assignments,” or “I know that it must be upsetting not to start at the game this weekend. I’m here to help you study the new plays when you’re up for it.”
This helps your teen feel supported and validated, and also shows them that the onus is not on their environment to change, but rather on them to be willing to do whatever is necessary to overcome their challenges.
Acknowledge willingness
When your teen practices willingness instead of willfulness, make sure you acknowledge their efforts.
Offering praise and validation when your teen makes progress toward practicing willingness can make a world of difference in helping to reinforce this behavior.
Make it a priority to note when your teen is opting for willingness, and you will be more likely to notice them practice willingness more in the future.