If you’re like most parents, you’ve probably had at least a couple of moments where you felt like you weren’t good enough.
Maybe you have said something out of frustration or exhaustion that ended up upsetting your teen.
Maybe you were feeling burnt out and didn’t validate your highly sensitive teen’s feelings or practice active listening when they came to you with an issue
Maybe you are hard on yourself for feeling angry, frustrated, tired, and burnt out in the first place.
When you feel like you have said or done the wrong thing as a parent, it can be easy to fall into negative thought patterns:
I can’t believe I made my teen so upset. I never say anything right.
Why did I do that? I am such a terrible parent.
I’m not good enough to help my teen.
Why did I react that way? Maybe I’ve ruined my relationship with my teen.
My teen is going to think less of me as a person and a parent.
How come I’m the only one who can’t seem to get things right.
While it can be natural to feel upset when you make a mistake or are less than perfect, getting stuck in a cycle of guilt and beating yourself up for getting things wrong will cause more harm than good.
Here are a few reasons why you shouldn’t focus on your mistakes or whether or not you are good enough as a parent:
Growing as a parent
When you are always blaming yourself or feeling inadequate for your small missteps, your mistakes will start to occupy your mind, preventing you from moving on and doing better next time.
Say your teen comes to you with a problem, and you accidentally say something that upsets them. For instance, maybe your teen said, “I’m so upset that I failed my math quiz,” and you said, “That’s why you should study,” instead of validating their feelings first, causing your teen to cry, storm out the room, or claim that you don’t care about them.
If you wallow in guilt over this small act of imperfection, it might cause you to make mistakes in the future. For instance, you might be so worried that you will say the wrong thing that you decide not to say anything at all next time, or you might overanalyze everything that you say or do until you feel even worse.
Instead of recovering and learning from your mistake, asking for forgiveness, and moving on, beating yourself up for being less than perfect keeps you trapped in a cycle of guilt and self-blame that is not productive and negatively impacts your relationship with your teen.
In his book, East of Eden, author John Steinbeck wrote, “And now that you don't have to be perfect, you can be good.”
Allowing yourself a little grace for your mistakes and removing the need to be perfect will help you grow as a person and a parent, and help you move forward confident that you are doing the best you can to help your teen.
You won’t always get things right, but the only way to grow is to practice acceptance and grow instead of spiraling into shame.
Repairing the relationship
There will be times when you say things that inadvertently trigger your teen, especially if they are highly sensitive. It’s inevitable and unavoidable.
However, while you can’t control whether or not you will say or do something that will upset your teen, you can control your response and the steps you take to rectify the situation.
By acknowledging that you upset your teen, apologizing, and seeking to fix any harm caused, you are actively taking steps toward repairing your relationship.
Apologizing shows your teen that you value their feelings and your relationship, and it prevents you from allowing guilt or negative feelings to drive a rift between you and your teen.
Validating your feelings
Many parents are especially hard on themselves when they make mistakes out of anger or frustration.
However, having negative thoughts or feelings does not make you a bad parent! It is important for you to learn to validate your feelings and understand why you have them in the first place so that you don’t find yourself weighed down by shame and self-blame.
If you are parenting a highly sensitive teen, it is normal for you to feel frustration, burn out, agitation, and other complicated emotions from time to time. These feelings don’t make you an inadequate parent, they make you human.
It’s important for you to be able to acknowledge that your feelings are natural and valid so that you can move on from these feelings and avoid blaming yourself for having the same feelings as every other parent.
When you are able to validate your own feelings, it will also help you become better at validating your teen’s feelings in the future, too, which will help you grow as a parent and strengthen the bond between you and your teen.
Modeling being imperfect
Teens value authenticity. If you are always presenting yourself as the perfect parent who can do no wrong, it will be harder for your teen to relate to you.
Everyone is imperfect.
Show your teen that this is natural and okay by being the first to admit that you make mistakes and don’t always get everything right the first time.
When your teen sees that you are okay with acknowledging and apologizing for your missteps, it will help them in a few ways:
Modeling imperfection will help your teen learn that it is okay if they aren’t perfect, helping them avoid spiraling into feelings of self-hatred, shame, and guilt.
Modeling imperfection will teach your teen that it is better for them to come forward and apologize for their mistakes instead of trying to hide them or pretending like everything is okay.
Modeling imperfection allows you to have a deeper, more authentic relationship with your teen.
Ultimately, it is important to remember that if you are worried about being a “good enough” parent, that is a sign that you actually have achieved this goal.
When you worry about saying the wrong thing to your teen, it is because you care about them and their feelings.
When you feel sad about being less than perfect, it is only because you want to be the best possible parent and example for your teen.
Instead of hiding your faults or blaming yourself the next time you find yourself doing or saying something that you wish you hadn’t, remember that you are already good enough because you care about your teen, you are actively trying to grow and become a better parent, and you don’t put unrealistic expectations of perfection on yourself or your teen.