No parent wants to judge their teen; however, chances are there are times when every parent has placed judgments on your teen even without meaning to do so. If you’ve ever judged your teen, you are not alone!
Fortunately, once you are able to identify different types of judgments and the impact they have on your teen’s self-image, you will be better equipped to prevent yourself from making judgments in the future.
Here are a few common types of judgments to keep on your radar:
Types of judgments
All or nothing thinking
This is when you see your teen’s actions or progress as black or white.
Maybe your teen had a great day at school. They aced their math test, got along well with their friends, and they didn’t engage in any problem behaviors. It can be tempting to see this progress and think, “Wow, going to therapy worked! They don’t need to keep going anymore!”
Maybe the opposite happens, and your teen has a terrible day of falling into old, bad habits. If you fall into the pattern of all or nothing thinking, you might think, “I can’t believe they messed up like this! They’re hopeless, and they will never get better!”
Rather than seeing shades of gray and understanding that one good day or bad day doesn’t make or break your teen, all or nothing thinking encourages you to see situations as black or white or right or wrong, with nothing in between.
How this judgment affects your teen
All or nothing thinking will make your teen feel like if they are not perfect, then they are not good enough. It prevents them from recognizing they have value beyond their actions, and it does not give them grace for their mistakes.
Catastrophizing
Catastrophizing happens when you predict that the worst possible outcomes will happen, even if they aren’t likely.
If your teen stays out past curfew and your thoughts immediately go to “Maybe they were kidnapped,” or “They are probably drinking and abusing drugs,” or “Maybe they were in a devastating car crash,” then you are catastrophizing.
How this judgment affects your teen
When you have a habit of catastrophizing, it can negatively affect the way you interact with and set boundaries for your teen. It can also cause your teen to feel anxiety or fear that anything they say or do could end poorly either for you or for themselves, and they will have to constantly worry about assuaging your fears.
Mind reading
Mind reading is when you believe you know what other people are thinking without asking or being told.
This could manifest through thoughts like “I know they’re mad at me right now,” or “They don’t think that my feelings are important.”
For instance, you may have told your teen that they weren’t allowed to go out with friends one night, and even though they don’t give you any indication, you might think that they are thinking negatively about you. As this builds up in your mind, you might start to think about how ungrateful they are or rude they are, causing you to feel frustrated about something that has not even happened. This will shape the way you interact with your teen the next time the two of you have a conflict or disagreement.
How this judgment affects your teen
Mind reading can be harmful to your teen because if you do not know what they are actually thinking, it is easy for you to project your own thoughts onto them or to feel bitter or upset over their perceived feelings. When teens detect these feelings of bitterness or agitation, it can make them feel like you think poorly of them as a person.
Overgeneralization
Do you have a tendency to make sweeping general conclusions about different situations? For instance, if you have a bad day at work, you might assume that the rest of your week will go poorly as well.
This overgeneralization can affect your relationship with your teen. For instance, if your teen gets in trouble at school, you might assume that they will always get in trouble at school and label them a troublemaker. If they engage in self-harm, you might believe that they aren’t making progress in therapy and that they will never get better.
How this judgment affects your teen
When you have the habit of overgeneralizing, your teen might start to feel like you have deemed them a failure before they even have the chance to prove themselves. This may lead to self-fulfilling prophecies where your teen takes on the generalization or label that you have given them.
Mental filter
This happens when you develop “selective” hearing and vision, causing you to only hear and see the negative behaviors of your teen while overlooking all of their positive actions.
Maybe your teen helped clean the kitchen, played with their younger siblings, and earned a great grade on a quiz at school, but instead of recognizing these accomplishments, you chide them for forgetting to take out the trash. Instead of giving them praise or showing appreciation for their positive behavior and progress, you only notice the fact that they forgot to do one of their chores.
How this judgment affects your teen
This type of judgment can make your teen feel undervalued and underappreciated, and it can decrease their motivation to make progress. They might ask themselves why they should make any progress at all if you’re only going to point out something negative anyway.
Disqualifying the positive
When you disqualify the positive, you minimize your teen’s accomplishments or even your own achievements.
For instance, if your teen earns an “A” on their history test, you would be disqualifying the positive if you said, “Lucky!” or “That teacher must like you!” In this scenario, instead of celebrating your teen for their success, you are accrediting their positive experiences, behaviors, or accomplishments to outside forces.
How this judgment affects your teen
Disqualifying the positive can be harmful to your teen because it teaches them that the effort and time that they put into trying to succeed is not necessary. Why should they study hard in history if the only reason they get good grades is because they are their teacher’s favorite?
This type of judgment can also cause teens to practice willfulness instead of willingness. This means that if something doesn’t go their way or they experience a setback, instead of seeing how they can adjust and improve, they blame their situation, environment, or other elements outside of their control.
When teens don’t feel like their efforts are worth anything, it can cause them to have a low self-image and poor self-esteem.
Emotional reasoning
When you practice emotional reasoning, you allow your emotions to dictate what is fact and what is fiction.
For instance: if you feel bad about going to work, then you shouldn’t go. If you feel bad about yourself, then you must be a bad person.
Emotional reasoning makes it difficult to understand what is actually happening and true of your teen because you are clouded by your own emotions.
How this judgment affects your teen
Emotional reasoning can have a negative impact on your teen. If you feel angry or upset with your teen and allow those emotions to judge their character, it can damage the relationship between the two of you and make your teen think that you do not think highly of them.
“Should” statements
“Should” statements put your fixed idea of how someone else should behave onto other people.
These statements imply that your teen hasn’t met a specific goal that you have for them and that they did or are doing something wrong.
For instance, saying “You shouldn’t be so upset,” might make your teen feel like their feelings are invalid. Saying “You should have studied harder,” makes your teen think that the time and energy they spent studying was worthless. Saying “You should be trying your best,” makes your teen believe that their efforts are inadequate.
How this judgment affects your teen
“Should” statements can cause your teen to have a low self-image because they will begin to internalize feelings of inadequacy and believe that nothing they do is ever good enough.
Labeling
Labeling occurs when you take overgeneralization to extreme lengths and use your generalizations to define your teen’s character.
Instead of just saying an overgeneralization like “They skipped class today, they are probably not going to do well this school year,” labeling takes everything a step further and says, “They skipped class today, they are a troublemaker.”
How this judgment affects your teen
The danger with labeling is that it can cause your teen to start to see themselves through the lens of that label. They will start to internalize and believe that they are nothing but a troublemaker or a rebel or a nuisance, which will decrease their self-worth.
Personalization
With personalization, you see yourself as the cause or instigator of situations and circumstances that have nothing to do with you.
If your cashier is short with you at the grocery store, you think it is because you did something wrong. If your teen gets in trouble at school, you believe you are at fault.
Instead of understanding that you can only control yourself and your actions and that you are not responsible for other people’s feelings and behavior, personalization causes you to shift any blame inwards.
How this judgment affects your teen
While personalization can have a negative impact on you as a parent, it can also harm your teen. If you blame your teen for circumstances that are outside of their control or start to believe they are at fault when anything bad happens, this will start to shape your interactions with your teen. This can make them start to feel like they are always the problem, which will negatively influence their self-worth.
Preventing judgments from impacting your teen
If you notice that you have a tendency to practice any of these judgments, there are steps you can take to prevent them from harming your teen:
Pause. Think about what’s happening in your body and with your emotions when you speak to your teen and pay close attention to how your teen is responding. This will help you get a good idea of whether or not you are saying or doing anything, even if it’s unintentional, that might have an impact on your teen’s self-image.
Notice. Take stock of your emotions at the moment. Are your thoughts making you feel angry or frustrated? This is usually an indicator that your thoughts are judgments and not facts. Try to take a break and think about the facts of the situation so that you can be more centered when you try to speak with your teen.
Consider your intent. Think about the underlying goal or purpose behind your judgment. Maybe you are catastrophizing because you are worried about your teen’s decision making, for instance. Once you realize the intent behind your judgment you can make a plan for how to communicate your goal instead of immediately responding with a judgment.
Consider your impact. Before you address a problem with your teen, think about how your message is going to come across from their point of view. The way they internalize your message might be different than the way you think it will be received. Remember, your words and actions can have a major influence on how they see themselves. Make sure that you keep this in mind so that you can share information in a way that holds them accountable while also showing that you care.
