Like any good parent, you want the best for your teen. So when your teen handles their emotions in a way that is not healthy, you want to do your best to help them change. However, a lot of times this is easier said than done.
Maybe your teen has a tendency to experience extreme emotions. Maybe your teen is acting out and participating in risky behaviors. Maybe your teen is overwhelmed with feelings of anxiety, depression, or self-loathing.
Whatever the case is when you are in the midst of a tumultuous struggle with your teen, and you are doing everything you can to help them, it can be really frustrating when you don’t notice a lot of progress.
But like all good things, change takes time, and it can only happen under certain conditions.
When you or your child are wrestling with complicated emotions, it is important to know that these emotions cannot, and will not, change until you have learned to find the balance between acceptance and change.
This balance is called dialectics, and it is a key component of Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT).
When your teen is experiencing extreme emotions, you want them to find the balance between these emotions so they are able to manage these emotions effectively.
You don’t want your teen constantly swinging between “I hate you” and “I really love you.” This is exhausting! And, you also can’t make this change happen right away without completing two key steps first: validation and acceptance.
Validation
Have you ever been agitated from a situation at work only to come home and hear your partner or a friend say “You must just be tired,” or the dreaded “You’re overreacting” when you explain your feelings?
Now instead of being slightly annoyed, your blood starts to boil because on top of what you were already upset about now your feelings are being dismissed.
Have you ever talked to someone about being anxious just to hear “Just relax!” as a solution to your problem? If so, you know just how “helpful” it is to hear those words. Not at all!
It can be endlessly frustrating when people try to solve your problems instead of acknowledging them first, but this is exactly what we do to ourselves when we refuse to validate and accept our own feelings.
If you are not able to acknowledge your feelings, they will only get bigger. This is especially true for teens facing strong emotions.
Before your teen can change, they need to help their brain and body feel understood by validating their current emotions.
Acceptance
Once your teen has validated their emotions, they need to learn how to accept that emotions are complex, and it is okay for them to feel a host of seemingly conflicting emotions at the same time.
Your teen can be depressed but also cheer up their friends by telling jokes on FaceTime. Your teen can wrestle with anxiety, but still act boldly and courageously. From sadness and excitement to anger and love, there are countless emotions that can coexist in your teen’s mind. It’s all about balance.
Imagine being the full-time caretaker for a loved one with dementia. It would be exhausting and difficult to say the least. If this person was to pass away, it would be normal for you to feel deep sadness that they have died while also experiencing relief that you are not up all hours of the night providing care. These two somewhat conflicting emotions can exist at the same time.
It’s important for you to help your teen realize that emotions are complex and ever-changing because it is this realization that will allow them to change. It is only when teens box themselves in and fixate on the false idea that their emotions are invalid or they have to be just one thing that they start to feel overwhelmed or inadequate and create more conflict.
In the same way that you can look at a photo of your child when they were younger and acknowledge that you feel so much love and gratitude for them but also feel sadness that they aren’t a little baby anymore, your teen should acknowledge that they are a complex human being with complex emotions so they can take the first step toward change.