If you are the parent of a highly sensitive and highly emotional teenager, you have probably experienced moments when they have acted out in a major way.
Sometimes teens who struggle with complicated emotions will exhibit serious, unhealthy behaviors:
Fighting
Lashing out
Stealing
Running away
Abusing drugs and alcohol
Having risky sex
Self-harming
While it is easy to feel heartbroken and at a loss for what to do when we witness these situations, it is important for us to understand what causes them so we can help prevent these behaviors from happening in the first place.
Your teen won’t wake up one day and simply decide to participate in one of these unhealthy behaviors. These big behaviors develop overtime for two major reasons that can be explained with biosocial theory: biological sensitivity and invalidating environments,
Understanding biosocial theory and how these factors influence your child is critical because if you learn how to address these factors, you will notice that your child is better able to handle their emotions, and they will be far less likely to act out in such a serious way.
Biological sensitivity
One reason why your teen might find it difficult to regulate their emotions could be biological sensitivity.
A biologically sensitive person may struggle with the following:
Getting easily triggered
Crying easily
Having their feelings hurt easily
Being quick to anger
Reacting quickly or irrationally
Holding grudges
If your teenager can go from zero to 100, where they are just fine one moment and then extremely angry or upset the next, or they have trouble returning to their baseline mood after they are upset, there are likely some biological factors at play.
According to biosocial theory, chronic emotion dysregulation can be a product of biology. If you are a highly sensitive person and you have trouble managing your own emotions, there is a chance that your child might be biologically sensitive as well.
This is why parenting a highly sensitive teen is especially challenging if you are also highly sensitive. If you both are easily triggered and require a long time to calm down and reach a neutral state, then you will almost always be in crisis, which may lead your teen to participate in unhealthy behaviors as these feelings build over time.
Invalidating environment
The second side of biosocial theory that explains how big, unhealthy behaviors develop over time is the invalidating environment.
This environment may include your home, but it can also include other factors as well:
School
Coaches
Teachers
Friends
Family members
Coworkers
Unfortunately, anyone who is around your teen can play a role in fostering an invalidating environment.
Whenever your teen hears the message that their feelings are wrong, or that they are dramatic, or that their feelings don’t make sense, or that their emotions are too deep, it makes them internalize the fact that their feelings are not valid.
When a teen communicates that they have depression only to be met with “You’re overreacting,” or “Everyone has bad days sometimes, it’s no big deal,” they might turn to bigger behaviors like self-harm or alcohol abuse to show people that their feelings are real and say “Hey, I’m really not doing okay right now!”
When teens are told that their feelings are wrong or their low-level feelings and behaviors are ignored or dismissed, they will often (even subconsciously) escalate their behaviors so their feelings are validated.
Invalidation can also lead teens to question themselves and their own feelings and experiences. If everyone is telling them their feelings are insignificant or too much, they might begin punishing themselves for having their feelings or engaging in impulsive behaviors that help the feelings go away quickly.
Helping combat negative behaviors
Biosocial theory is an important part of dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) because it can help you and your teen understand why they engage in big, impulsive behaviors.
Now that you know the core principles of biosocial theory: biological sensitivity and invalidating environments, you can take the steps necessary to prevent many of these negative behaviors.
Here are a few ways you can apply this knowledge to help your teen:
Regulate your own emotions, especially if you are highly sensitive so that both you and your teen can experience calm.
Show your teen skills to help them calm down when their emotions escalate like deep breathing, journaling, or yoga.
Validate your teen’s feelings, even if you do not agree with them
When other people in your teen’s life invalidate your teen’s feelings, make sure you communicate that their feelings are actually valid