When our teens come to us with problems, big or small, our first instinct is usually to try and offer a solution:
Did they get a poor grade on their math test? Spend more time studying and making flashcards!
Are they upset about getting cut from the cheerleading team? Keep practicing! Remember there’s always next year!
Do they feel bad because their friends are excluding them? Don’t worry about what those friends think! Those aren’t your real friends!
However, while it might seem like offering solutions to these problems is the best parenting strategy, it can actually do more harm than good.
Oftentimes, when our teenagers approach us with problems, it is not because they are looking for a solution, but rather because they want us to listen, acknowledge their feelings, and provide support. When teens are struggling with big emotions, one of the best things we can do is listen without judgment and offer validation.
What is validation?
Validation is a way to show others that we are in their corner through active listening, understanding, and unconditional positive regard.
When you show validation, you are communicating the following:
I hear what you are saying
I understand why you feel this way
Your feelings are valid and important
I’m here to support you
Validation can be as simple as restating your teenager’s feelings and telling them that you believe their feelings are appropriate and understandable.
Keep in mind that validating your teen’s feelings does not necessarily mean that you agree with what they are saying or doing. It simply means that you are listening to their experience, understanding where they are coming from, and demonstrating that you value them and your relationship.
Why should you validate your teen’s feelings?
Validating your teen’s feelings is important because it allows them to feel supported and shows them that they can continue to speak to you about their problems and concerns.
When your teenager comes to you upset that she didn’t make the soccer team, she does not need to hear about how next year will be better if they keep practicing and working hard, even if this information is true. In that moment, she wants you to acknowledge her feelings and show support: “It must be hard to find out that you didn’t make the team after you worked so hard this summer. It makes sense that you are upset.”
Validating these emotions will help your child feel less alone as they face life’s challenges, and allow them to work through these emotions with a trusted adult, which will help them when they face other problems in the future.
Validation is such an important skill, and it is often encouraged and practiced in counseling sessions. One major aspect of dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) is learning how to express and regulate emotions. You can help your child process significant emotions as they grow older by validating their feelings at an early age.
Practicing validation
Sometimes validating emotions is easier said than done. Here are some tips that can help you respond well the next time your teen wants to process their emotions with you:
Listen. Don’t rush to speak. Show signs of active listening so that your teenager knows you care.
Restate their feelings. The best way for you to know that you understand what your teenager is feeling is to restate those feelings as you speak with them.
Show acceptance. Whether or not you agree with their actions, make sure you let your teen know that you understand their feelings.
If you follow these steps, it will be easier for your child to feel validated when they approach you with the problems that are going on in their life.