You’ve probably heard the adage, “Talk to yourself the way you would talk to someone you love” before. In other words, if you wouldn’t say something negative to a close friend or loved one, you shouldn’t say it to yourself.
But what do we do when we don’t even realize that we are talking about ourselves this way? Sometimes it is easy to get so bogged down and stuck within our negative feelings that we do not even realize that we are talking down to ourselves out of insecurity, frustration, or shame.
When we are not able to recognize these strong feelings and emotions, it can be problematic because these feelings often drive the way we think, speak, and act.
If we want to make sure we are as healthy as possible, it is important for us to learn how to recognize and address feelings of shame right away.
Identifying shame
Here are some tips to help you identify when you are feeling shame so that you can take steps to alleviate this feeling:
Identify cues
Oftentimes feelings of shame do not arise out of the blue. There is often some sort of cue that triggers this feeling that can be seen in your thoughts, body, behavior, or environment.
Did you think of something that makes you feel bad?
Did you feel something that you believe is inappropriate or shameful?
Did you act in a way that makes you feel bad about yourself?
Did someone say or do something to you that made you feel less than or ashamed?
If you experienced one of the following situations, there is a good chance that you are also experiencing shame.
Consider your feelings
There are many feelings that are typically associated with shame:
Numbness
Emptiness
Emotional pain throughout the body
High tension
Feeling small or inadequate
Feeling exposed
Start to take stock of the different feelings you have throughout the day so that you can start to recognize that you are experiencing shame when you notice these feelings.
Along with your feelings, you should also take note of your desires. If you want to curl up and hide, or you want to keep something that you did or said a secret, then you may be feeling shame.
Consider your behavior
If you were in a situation where you were not entirely sure whether or not you were feeling shame, you should think back to your behavior at that moment:
Did you find it hard to meet another person’s eye?
Were you posturing yourself in a way that made you seem smaller?
Did you try to cover or hide your face?
These are good indicators that you were feeling shame.
Consider your thoughts
Shame often causes people to think negatively about themselves. If you notice that you are thinking negatively about yourself or reflecting on intrusive thoughts about experiences that caused you to feel negatively about yourself, that is a sign that you are feeling shame.
Dealing with shame
Being able to identify shame will help you learn how to manage this emotion and act with courage and self-compassion instead.
This is especially important if you are parenting teens because working through shame can help foster connection and trust. If you consider the signs above, you will start to be able to recognize moments when your teen is dealing with shame.
When your teen is wrestling with this emotion, there are plenty of actions you can take to help:
Validate their feelings. Make sure your teen feels understood and that they know there is nothing wrong with them for feeling this way.
Show support. Remind your teen that you are on their side and that their negative self-talk isn’t true.
Comfort them. Sometimes shame, and all of its associated feelings, can be taxing. Offer your teen a warm cup of hot chocolate or a warm blanket to help them relax.
Show empathy. Think about what you want most when you experience shame, and provide this for your teen.
Honor their courage. It takes strength for your teen to talk to you about something that causes them to feel shame. Listen when they share, and respect their bravery.
When you keep these tips in mind, it will help you form a deeper connection with your teen and help them feel comfortable reaching out to you when they struggle with shame.