Trans teens are at exceptionally high risk for suicide and depression, especially when their parents are non-affirming:
According to a study conducted by the University of Pittsburgh, transgender adolescents have a higher rate of suicidal ideation, self-harm, depression, and suicide attempts than cisgender teens.
Without the love and support of people around them, these rates are even higher.
If you are the parent of a transgender teenager, these statistics might seem especially alarming. The good news is that you can help make sure your teen feels valued, safe, and loved just by dedicating yourself to listening, affirming, and offering support.
Here are a few simple steps that you can take to help support and affirm your teen and be a better ally:
Use their chosen name
One of the best ways to show your teen that you are on their side is to use their chosen name and avoid using their deadname.
Your teen’s deadname is their “given name,” or the name that can be found on their birth certificate, that they no longer wish to use.
Avoid “deadnaming” your trans teen by making sure you only call them by the name they would like to use. This lets them know that you affirm their identity and that you are willing to listen to and respect their autonomy.
When Juno and The Umbrella Academy star, Elliot Page, came out as trans this winter, many news outlets made the mistake of referring to him using his deadname. While they may not have had bad intentions in doing so, this action is problematic, and it is just one example of the ways in which trans individuals feel undermined and experience harm after they come out.
If you find this a bit of a challenge to wrap your head around, consider your own name. If your name is “Matthew,” and your coworkers and friends decided to start calling you by the wrong name, or they decided to use a nickname like “Matty” for you, it would bother you, right? Now consider that in addition to calling you by a name you dislike, they also actively chose to ignore you when you asked for them to stop. You would feel like you and your feelings were not valued.
This is only a small taste of what trans individuals go through when people use their deadname.
Make sure you do not put your teen through this by using their chosen name right away.
Use their pronouns
If your teen tells you their pronouns, use them. This is another simple way to let your trans teen know that you are in their corner and that you respect them and their identity.
Avoid referring to their pronouns as “preferred pronouns,” which, although it is a popular phrase, has the underlying message that their pronouns are a choice or a preference and not a part of their identity.
Whether you teen wants to use “he,” “she,” “they,” or any different pronoun. Make sure to respect their wishes.
If you are having trouble adjusting, don’t be afraid to practice when they are not around. Try writing sentences using their name and their pronouns or saying their name and pronouns aloud to help you become more familiar.
Trust your teen when they tell you who they are and what pronouns they use, and make sure you respect their identity by using their pronouns.
Listen!
Listening to your teen is one of the best ways to support them and make sure they feel affirmed and loved.
If your teen comes out to you as trans, take the time to listen to them and what they want to say to you, understand their chosen name and the pronouns they will be using, and give them an opportunity to express how they are feeling.
In addition to listening, you should make adjustments or changes if necessary, like refusing to use their deadname, to provide support.
Learn from Dwayne Wade and Gabrielle Union, who immediately affirmed their daughter Zaya after she revealed to them that she was trans and wanted to use “she/her” pronouns.
In an article for Time magazine, Dwayne Wade and Gabrielle Union wrote, “The biggest lesson we can offer is: listen to your child...Identity isn’t a desire or a wish: it’s more a matter of our understanding and making the necessary adjustments to ensure someone is celebrated for being their authentic and true selves. We love our child and would do anything to make sure she has the best possibilities to succeed in life, to have happiness and joy. We see that in Zaya. We see joy in her. And that makes us feel so amazing.”
Remember that while this news might come as a shock to you, your teen needs you to help support them, show your love for them, and help them be their true selves now more than ever before.
Listening to their wants and needs is the best place to start.
Don’t beat yourself up if you make a mistake
If you accidentally use your teen’s deadname or incorrect pronouns, don’t beat yourself up and make a show of apologizing profusely.
Simply correct yourself and allow the conversation to move forward. When you are repeatedly apologizing and making a huge deal out of your mistake, you are putting the onus on your teen to handle your emotions and make you feel better.
Following these steps can make a world of difference when it comes to validating and affirming your trans teen.
