Wrtten by Jessica Nopper
You’ve been here before. For most parents, back-to-school season brings school supply lists, shopping for new clothes, and making sure their teen has what they need to succeed in a new school year.
Many teens face increased stressors and challenges when the school year starts, from summer work that they finished last minute, to new schedules with new classmates, to sports seasons starting back up, and piles of homework assigned in the first week. And it makes sense for parents to worry about their teen's ability to handle these stressors.
But… how much worry is too much worry?
That’s where the check the facts skill comes in, so let’s break it down.
Judgments Fuel the Emotional Fire
Every emotion we feel comes not only from the situation we’re facing, but our thoughts and interpretations of that situation. And our interpretations – or judgments – have the power to fuel more intense emotions.
Imagine your teen is going out with friends for the night, and you tell them to be home by 10 pm. As you watch the clock hit 10:20 pm, and you stare at the unanswered texts you’ve sent to check in, you notice your chest start to tighten with anxiety.
If you’re thinking of the most terrible possibilities for why your teen isn’t home – like there’s been an accident, they’re hurt, they need your help – that anxiety is going to grow and grow. Your interpretations of the situation are fueling the emotional fire, and before you know it, you’re calling your teen over and over, texting their friends in the hopes someone will respond, and refreshing the local news page for alerts in your area. You’re reacting to the possibilities of the situation, not the situation itself.
So what’s the alternative? If you use the check the facts skill to focus on the facts of the situation and think of other possible interpretations, you’ll notice your anxiety level going down.
The facts? It’s 20 minutes after curfew, and your teen isn’t home. They haven’t responded to your texts or returned your calls. That’s all you know for sure.
What if your teen lost track of time? What if they’re running late and driving home, so they can’t text back? What if they fell asleep at their friend’s house and they’re perfectly safe and sound? These possibilities are far less threatening than the worst-case scenario that your mind imagines first.
So What About School?
As you’re thinking about the back-to-school season and noticing worries about your teen’s ability to cope, try checking the facts.
Step 1: Name your emotion and its intensity.
Maybe your anxiety level is a 7 out of 10. You notice the urge to check in with your teen throughout the day to see how they’re doing and reach out to their therapist for extra sessions.
Step 2: Describe the situation using only the facts.
Your teen is starting school. You know what grade they're in and what school they’re going to. You know what classes and extracurriculars are on their plate. You know what last year looked like. Maybe they missed 15 days due to school avoidance. Maybe their symptoms of anxiety and depression worsened. Maybe they quit an extracurricular activity or failed to turn in assignments on time. These are all facts.
Step 3: Notice interpretations about the situation and think of other possibilities.
You’re thinking about what this school year will be like. Maybe you’re assuming your teen will struggle this year the same way they did last year. Maybe you expect them to struggle more because their classes seem harder, they’re applying to colleges, or they’re taking on more extracurriculars. These are all possibilities, and they may turn out to be true… or not.
Maybe through your teen’s hard work in therapy, they have more skills than they did last year. Maybe they’ve learned what strategies work for them to balance multiple responsibilities. Maybe they’ll reach out for help when they need it. Maybe this year won’t be as bad as you’re expecting.
Step 4: Imagine coping with the worst-case scenario.
So far, you’ve thought about the facts of the situation, the interpretations your mind jumps to first, and other possible interpretations of the year ahead. But what if your assumptions are right and your worries come true? What if this school year is even worse than the one before?
Imagine that possibility, that your worst-case scenario comes true. And then imagine you and your teen coping. Think about the skills you both have and the support systems around you. Imagine what life would look like one year, five years, ten years after this school year.
Step 5: Evaluate whether your emotion and its intensity fit the facts.
Now that you’ve broken it down, think again about your emotion (anxiety) and its intensity (7 out of 10, in this example). Ask yourself whether your emotion fits. Does it make sense to feel anxious about your teen starting a new school year? Sure it does! New usually means unknown, and unknown usually means worry and anxiety.
Now ask yourself whether the intensity of your emotion fits the facts, or just your judgments. Your teen is starting a new school year. You know what last year was like. Maybe this year will be the same, maybe it won’t be. We don’t know for sure until it happens. When you shift your thoughts to focus on the facts and think of other possible interpretations, you’ll probably notice your anxiety level going down.
Maybe a 4 out of 10 intensity of anxiety is more fitting. Maybe you want to check in with your teen to see how they feel about the school year and what support they might need. Maybe you want to brush up on your own skills so you feel prepared – not panicked – about facing whatever challenges lie ahead.
Try It Yourself!
Checking the facts might not come naturally to you at first, and that’s okay! The good news is, you can practice this skill (or parts of it) every day. Here’s how:
The next time you notice an emotion, put a name to it and rate its intensity. Improve your ability to mindfully check in with yourself about how you’re feeling.
Practice noticing facts about a situation versus your interpretations. If you’re late for work, your teen forgets to do a chore, or it rains when you planned to spend your day outside, notice which thoughts in your brain are facts and which are judgments.
Think about situations from multiple perspectives. The next time you notice yourself making assumptions, stay flexible in your thinking and consider alternative possibilities.
With the check the facts skill, notice your back-to-school worries fade away, as you focus on supporting your teen with whatever the year might throw your way.