Have you ever noticed your teen digging their heels in when faced with something they don’t want to do? Maybe it’s refusing to study for a test, ignoring a chore, or resisting help during a tough situation. This is willfulness at work—the refusal to accept reality or take constructive action.
The good news is that with some guidance, teens can learn to shift from willfulness to willingness, meeting challenges with openness and flexibility instead of resistance. This DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) skill teaches teens how to let go of what’s holding them back and engage with the present moment in a meaningful way.
What Is Willfulness vs. Willingness?
Willfulness is the mindset of “I won’t” or “This isn’t fair,” where resistance prevents progress. It’s often fueled by frustration, avoidance, or stubbornness. While willfulness might feel protective in the moment, it usually makes the situation worse.
Willingness, on the other hand, is about saying, “I’ll try” or “I’ll do my best with what I have.” It’s not about liking the situation—it’s about accepting it and taking action anyway. Willingness helps teens respond to challenges with a mindset that’s focused on growth and solutions.
Tools to Shift From Willfulness to Willingness
When your teen feels stuck in willfulness, they can use these simple tools to shift their mindset:
Half-Smile: This is a small, relaxed smile that sends a signal to the brain to release tension and engage with the present moment. Even if they don’t feel like smiling, this subtle physical change can make a difference.
Willing Hands: Encourage your teen to unclench their fists, relax their arms, and turn their palms upward. This open posture reflects mental openness and helps them feel more receptive to taking action.
How Teens Can Use Willingness
Imagine your teen has a group project for school, but they’re frustrated with their teammates and want to give up. Instead of staying stuck in willfulness (“They’re not doing their part, so I’m not going to either”), they can shift to willingness by practicing a half-smile and willing hands.
This physical shift might help them think, “I’m not happy with how this is going, but I can still do my part to make the project the best it can be.” With this mindset, they take action, stay on track, and reduce their own stress.
How Parents Can Model Willingness
Teens learn a lot from observing how you handle tough situations. If you’re faced with something frustrating, show them how you use willingness to move forward.
For example, let’s say you’re overwhelmed by a messy house after a long day. Instead of saying, “I can’t deal with this right now,” you might say, “I don’t feel like tackling this mess, but I’m going to start small and do what I can.” Then, take a deep breath, unclench your hands, and start with one small task.
Talking through your process out loud helps your teen see how willingness works in real life.
How to Support Your Teen in Practicing Willingness
When your teen is stuck in willfulness, validate their feelings first. For example, “I can see why you’re frustrated about this group project. It’s hard when others don’t pull their weight.”
Once they feel heard, gently guide them toward willingness by asking:
“What’s one small step you can take right now to make this situation easier for yourself?”
“What would it look like to do your part, even if others aren’t doing theirs?”
You can also encourage them to practice a half-smile or willing hands when they’re feeling resistant. Let them know it’s okay if the shift doesn’t happen immediately—it’s about making an effort to move in the right direction.
Why Willingness Works
Willfulness keeps teens stuck, while willingness helps them move forward. By accepting reality and focusing on what they can do, they reduce unnecessary stress and build resilience.
This skill also teaches teens that they don’t have to wait for ideal circumstances to take action. They can start from where they are and make progress, even when the situation isn’t perfect.
Final Thoughts
Shifting from willfulness to willingness is a game-changer for teens learning to navigate life’s challenges. By teaching and modeling this skill, you’re helping your teen develop the tools they need to handle tough moments with grace and confidence.
Encourage your teen to try willingness the next time they feel stuck. Whether it’s unclenching their hands, offering a half-smile, or taking one small step, these actions can create a ripple effect that leads to greater openness and growth.
As a parent, practicing willingness alongside your teen can strengthen your connection and show them that it’s okay to start small. Together, you can tackle challenges with a mindset that’s focused on possibility and progress.