Does your teen have moments when they act out instead of coping with intense emotions?
Has your teen ever participated in risky or unhealthy behavior when they have felt upset, anxious, or depressed?
Do you wish that there was a way to help your child combat negative feelings and thought patterns?
If any of this sounds familiar, it is important to know that you are not alone. Many other parents are in the same boat!
Unfortunately, you should also know that you cannot change these behaviors. That’s right! You can’t change your teen...that is until you are able to take a look at yourself first.
When your teen responds to the onslaught of emotions that they have to face with negative or unhealthy behaviors, it can be tempting to want to step in immediately and try to change these emotions and the behaviors that come with them.
While this might seem like the right thing to do, it will be impossible for you to change your teen’s emotions when you don’t know the emotions you are experiencing yourself!
Before you attempt to work with your teen, you should focus on three key steps:
Mindfulness of your own emotions
Management of your own judgments
Movement toward your goal
With these steps in mind, you will be able to deescalate your emotions and put yourself in a better position to help your teen.
Mindfulness of your own emotions
The first step you need to take before you attempt to work toward changing your teen’s emotions is to take a second and be mindful of your own emotions.
Mindfulness is a key tenet of dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) because it can help individuals prevent themselves from letting these emotions jeopardize their relationships with others
Ask yourself a few questions:
Is my blood boiling right now?
Do I have an urge to yell?
Do I want to slam this door?
Am I on the verge of tears?
If the answer to any of these questions is yes, then you should step away and take care of yourself before you try to approach the situation with your teen. Try taking a walk, hopping in the shower, grabbing a bite to eat, or practicing some form of self-care so that you are calm and your emotions are under control.
Once you have successfully recognized your emotions, you will be able to manage them and approach your teen effectively.
Management of your own judgments
After you take stock of your feelings, you should consider your current judgments of both yourself and your teen.
If you have negative self-judgments, you will be more likely to have negative judgments of your teen as well.
Do any of the following thoughts about yourself sound familiar?
I’m a terrible parent!
I can’t do this
I won’t be able to handle this situation
How about any of these thoughts about your teen:
She’s not trying hard enough; she needs to try harder
He’s lazy
She doesn’t care
If so, then you are at risk of approaching your teen in a negative manner and making matters worse instead of changing them for the better.
Make note of your judgments and manage these judgments so that you can prioritize your relationship with your teen when it is time to help them tackle volatile emotions.
Movement toward your goal
Finally, you need to think about what you want your end goal for this situation to be so that you can take steps toward this goal.
Ultimately, you want to help your teen solve their problem, handle their emotions appropriately, and change negative thought patterns and behaviors while still maintaining a positive relationship.
Avoid anything that gets in the way of this goal. Your relationship with your teen is your priority!
If your immediate instinct is to let your own emotions run loose or to project a negative judgment onto your teen, then you need to stop and take time to deescalate your own emotions first. Remember, you can’t solve your teen’s emotional problems if your own emotions are escalated. It’s not possible for you to help your teen move to a place of acceptance if you aren’t capable of doing so yourself!
Be mindful of your emotions, manage your judgments, and move toward your true goal, and then you will be able to help your teen make positive changes.