Have you ever been in disbelief while having an argument with someone because you just can’t imagine how they can’t see that they’re wrong?
As the parent of a teenager, you’ve probably experienced this quite a bit.
When your teen argues with you about skipping a class, staying out past curfew, or yelling at their younger sibling, you might feel like there is no way that their side of the argument could be valid.
However, it is also likely that your teen feels the same way about your point of view.
Maybe they are skipping class because there is a kid in the class that is harassing them, and they don’t understand why you don’t see how terrible it is to feel harassed.
Maybe they stayed out past curfew because they were helping a friend out of a tough situation, and they don’t get why you care more about a curfew than the safety of one of their friends.
Maybe they yelled at their sibling for violating their privacy for the tenth time, and they don’t understand why you aren’t getting upset at the sibling for their misbehavior.
While these reasons may not justify their actions, understanding their point of view can help you have more empathy for your teen, and allow you to see where their side of the argument is coming from.
Far too often, we are quick to make assumptions. When your teen lashes out after school, you might assume that they are mad at you or being disrespectful when, in reality, they are upset about a breakup or failing a math quiz.
When you take a moment to pause and consider your teen’s point of view, it will allow you to empathize with them and have more productive conversations.
One way for you to reduce conflict and embrace empathy is to use the THINK skill:
T- Think
Think about a situation or disagreement with your teen from their perspective.
If your teen decides to hang out with friends before doing their homework, it might make you upset, and you might assume they are being lazy or not putting their best effort into school. However, if you look at the situation from their point of view, it will allow you to consider the fact that they are probably tired after a long day of school, and they want a bit of a break before shifting their focus back to academics.
Consider how your teen might view the situation before you make assumptions.
H- Have empathy
After you view the situation from your teen’s perspective, try to have empathy for your teen and how they might be feeling.
Maybe their feelings are contributing to their actions and decisions, and you should consider these feelings when you are speaking with your teen.
I- Identify interpretations
Could there possibly be more than one way to view the situation that’s happening? If your teen slams the door, could it be for a reason other than being disrespectful? If your teen is slacking on their homework, could it be for a reason other than laziness?
Maybe your teen is feeling depressed, and they are having a hard time regulating their emotions. Maybe your teen is feeling overwhelmed with their school work, or they are having trouble understanding the concepts covered in class.
Looking for other possible interpretations will help you better understand and assess the situation.
N- Notice
Pay attention to the way your teen has been trying to handle the situation. Just because they haven’t handled it perfectly doesn’t mean that they aren’t trying.
Consider the steps your teen has taken toward improving their emotional regulation and decision making.
K- use Kindness
Regardless of how you might feel at the moment, it is important for you to respond to your teen with kindness.
Even when you may have to punish your teen for their behavior, it is crucial that you are able to do so gently and with understanding.
The next time you and your teen don’t see eye to eye on something, consider their point of view and use the THINK skill to try and minimize conflict. When you are more considerate of their perspective, they will learn to be more considerate of yours, and eventually you’ll see that the two of you have more common ground.l