According to a 2019 Common Sense Media survey, teenagers spend an average of 9 hours per day on digital technology.
These hours include entertaining themselves with streaming video, listening to music and playing games, but not school work related tasks.
Surprised?
Probably not.
We hear a lot of concerns from parents about screen time at the teen support center.
And we’ve put together some of our best tips to help you manage your concerns and help your teen below.
Track the data
How much time is your teen actually spending on technology? Every smartphone has a screen time tracker that’ll break down how much you used your phone and in which areas. Check yours with your teen. Make it a bet to see who has less time. (You may be surprised.)
Spend a week and log how many hours your teen is on the computer for non-academic tasks.
The point is, phrases like, “You’re always on your computer” are accusatory and likely inaccurate. Have real data at hand if you’d like to bring concerns to your teen.
And when you do speak with them, use your assertiveness skills (like the DBT skill DEAR MAN) to discuss the issues and brainstorm solutions together, rather than jumping right to taking something away.
Clearly Define the Problem
Is your teen spending all day on screens and not completing homework? Are they completely isolating and not engaging at all in family relationships? Are they holed up in their rooms online while peers are out socializing?
Have a clear idea of what your teen’s digital technology use is getting in the way of them doing in their lives. Know why it’s a life problem, not just a parent annoyance for your teen to be buried in their screen.
Clearly Define the Alternatives
It’s not enough to tell your teen what they can’t do. That’s like your teen telling you that they’re hungry and you saying, “Ok, but you can’t eat a sandwich.” It doesn’t solve the problem, it just limits the options.
What do you want your teen to be doing instead? Generate solutions together. Incentivize things like completing homework, getting a job, participating in band, a club or sport. Find attractive replacement activities that entice your teen and encourage them.
Engage and Accumulate Positives
It takes five positive comments to balance out any one criticism or demand. How often are you engaging your teen in conversation that’s NOT related to a request you are placing on them? When was the last time you invited them to play cards or watch Netflix with you. Granted, they don’t always want to be hanging out with a parent, but the invitation or engagement balances out the barrage of expectations and requests that teens hear from adults all day, everyday.
Practice What You Preach
Are you “double screening” on your phone while you watch TV? Are you checking your work texts during dinner? Modeling is the most powerful way our kids learn. If you want your teen to have downtime from digital tech, it’s important that you are following your own expectations and observing your own limits.
Family agreements like “screen free dinner-time” and “all phones plugged in an hour before bed” are a great way to level the playing field and have a clear expectation for everyone in the home.
Practice Acceptance of the Times
Be honest with yourself… did you spend three hours a night on the phone with friends after school? (I have vivid memories of lying on the floor of my room gossiping with friends while twirling the phone cord around my finger.) Did you spend hours at night outside with the kids in your neighborhood? And did these behaviors drive your parents crazy?!
These are ways past youth connected. Technology is the way our current younger generation relates to each other. Of course there needs to be a balance, but developmentally teens gravitate heavily towards peers AND frustrate their parents in the process. Technology just happens to be the means to this end in our digital age.
Open your hands and face your palms to the sky.
Take a deep breath and repeat after me: I cannot control my teen. I can only control my reaction.
Follow the above guidelines with a focus on your relationship with your teen first and foremost. It’s pretty likely that your teen won’t be forty and still snapchatting with friends for hours. In fact, it’s even more likely that they’ll be just as frustrated with the latest teen trend with their own kids.
You will get through this.
And we’re here for support along the way.