Backseat drivers are the worst! In fact, the only thing that would be more annoying than a backseat driver when you’re trying to get somewhere is if the passenger decided to climb over you and take the wheel themselves!
While it is highly unlikely that you will ever find yourself in this situation, forced to become a passenger in your own car, this is exactly what happens when your teen allows their emotions to take control.
It is perfectly normal for certain situations to cause your teen to feel emotional. However, sometimes in difficult or high-intensity situations, teens surrender the “steering wheel” to their emotions, allowing their feelings to dictate what they say or do.
It’s only natural for your teen to feel anger when they are slighted, but there is a problem if your teen starts seeing red and wanting revenge after being disinvited from a party.
It’s okay for your teen to experience disappointment when they miss out on an opportunity, but it’s not good if they throw things or shout at the volleyball coach that cut them from the team.
It’s fine for your teen to feel nervous when they are about to try something new, but it is not okay for them to snap at others or run out the room anytime they feel a bit anxious.
When teens give too much power to their emotions, it can have a negative impact on their decision-making skills, their relationships with others, and mental health.
If you notice that your teen has the tendency to let their emotions get the best of them in stressful situations, you can help them manage these feelings using STOP.
What is STOP?
STOP is a skill that allows teens to cope with difficult emotions without letting them take over.
When teens feel like their emotions are in charge, this skill reminds them to:
Stop
Take a step back
Observe
Proceed mindfully
Here is the breakdown of each of these steps and how they can be used to help your teen:
Stop
When your teen starts to feel like their emotions are getting into the driver’s seat, the first thing they need to do is stop.
While their emotions may be pushing them to act or to speak, they should freeze in place and take a deep breath. This will give them time to recognize and name the emotion that is trying to break free and prevent this emotion from taking control and causing them to say or do something they will regret.
Take a step back
Stopping and naming the emotion they are feeling will help your teen with the next step: taking a step back.
Taking a moment to stop will help them to take a step back so that they can think clearly.
For example, when they are told they aren’t the right fit for a job they applied for, they can take a step back from the situation to think I’m experiencing disappointment right now, but it is not going to be the end of the world. There will be other jobs, and I shouldn’t burn any bridges or ruin the interviewer’s day just because I am feeling upset.
It can be hard to make the right decision in the moment, but taking a step back gives teens the chance to calm down and think the situation through.
Observe
When your teen is calm and able to think about the situation they are facing, they will be better able to observe what is happening around them and within them.
They can consider the body language and feelings of the people involved in the situation before acting. The coach seems sad that they have to announce who didn’t make the team. This was probably a hard decision for them to make and not a choice they made out of spite or because they don’t like me.
They can also consider their own thinking. I keep having this thought that I’m worthless because I got turned down for prom, but when I think about it, I have a lot of friends and family who love me, and there are other people I can ask who may not already have a date.
Doing this will help teens to act in a more rational manner instead of letting big emotions and negative thoughts get in the way.
Proceed mindfully
After giving themselves a chance to think everything through, teens can then proceed mindfully in a way that will support their goals.
Have your teen ask themselves:
What do I want to gain from this situation?
What can I do to make this situation better?
What should I avoid doing so I don’t make this situation worse?
How can I prevent my negative thoughts or emotions from taking control?
Their responses to these questions will lead them to their next steps.
Whenever your teen starts to feel overwhelmed with emotions, remind them to practice STOP so they can maintain control of their situation and keep their emotions in the backseat of their car where they belong.