As much as you try to avoid these moments, there are going to be times when you feel disappointed in your teen.
They might have promised you they would study hard for a test, but instead they bring home a failing grade. They might seem to spend all their time in their room or with their friends instead of hanging out with the family. They might never empty the dishwasher, take out the trash, or do any chores that help take care of the home.
When you express this disappointment, it can cause conflict between you and your teen. Your teen gets angry because they don’t know why you’re upset with them for their actions, and you get upset with them because they aren’t behaving in a way that you like. This can create a cycle that only leads to resentment and frustration.
However, your relationship with your teen does not have to be this way. Consider this quote from Brené Brown, author of Rising Strong: How the Ability to Reset Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead:
“Disappointment is unmet expectations, and the more significant the expectations, the more significant the disappointment”
All too often, the root of the disappointment you feel has to do with the expectations, both said and unsaid, that you have placed on your teen. This means that addressing this disappointment and resolving conflict will take some work on your end.
When you are disappointed that they are choosing to spend time alone in their room instead of with the family, this is because you have an expectation that they will want to participate in family activities, and you are upset when they choose not to do so.
When you are disappointed that they are not doing a specific chore, even if it is not on their chore list, it is because you are expecting them to help out around the house.
When your teen fails to meet these expectations, you will feel disappointed and frustrated. Your teen will sense these feelings and will typically feel one of two things: shame because they aren’t living up to your expectations and feel that nothing they do will be good enough for you or anger because they feel like your disappointment is not justified. In this way, your unmet expectations fuels conflict and can put a rift between you and your teen.
Understanding the root of this conflict is the first step to helping you resolve conflict. From there, you will be able to take steps to help manage your expectations and prevent disappointment from creating conflict with your teen.
Here are three steps you can take to make this easier:
1. Communicate your expectations
Imagine going on a vacation to Florida without a set list of activities and excursions that you want to see. While the trip might seem fun, people are sure to end up disappointed. Maybe you expected to visit the beach at least once, but everyone ran out of time. Maybe your teen wanted to go to Universal Studios, but everyone else wanted to shop along a pier. Maybe you were hoping to relax and finish reading a book, but your partner filled the day with activities.
As you can see, when you don’t have set expectations, people may end up disappointed. If everyone were able to say exactly what they wanted to happen during vacation, you could plan a schedule that makes people happy.
This same idea applies to your teenager.
If you are not aware of your expectations or you do not communicate them with your teen, you might feel resentment when your teen doesn’t meet these unspoken expectations. But is it really fair for you to get upset with your teen for deciding to quit piano, never taking out the trash, or making a decision you don’t like if you never told them your feelings about these things in the first place?
That would be like your teen getting upset with you for not taking them to Universal Studios on vacation when they never told you that they wanted to go.
Make a list of the expectations you have for your teen and communicate them clearly. This way, your teen knows exactly what you want from them, and you can hold them accountable without conflict when they don’t meet your expectations.
2. Make sure your expectations are fair
When you are determining your expectations, make sure that they are fair and attainable. Like Brown said, “the more significant the expectations, the more significant the disappointment.”
If your expectations are far too high for your teen to be able to achieve, you are only setting yourself up for disappointment and conflict.
For instance, while expecting your teen to get straight A’s might not seem unreasonable, it may be too lofty of a goal when your teen plays football, takes AP or IB classes, participates in chess club, and spends several hours each week volunteering. When your superstar teen who is trying to juggle all of these activities gets an A-, they may feel shame because they didn’t rise to your expectations or resentment for the pressure they are feeling from you, which can severely damage your relationship.
You should also avoid setting expectations that are uncontrollable. For example, if you expect your teen to get accepted into a specific program or to make a sports team, you may experience disappointment regardless of how hard your teen works to meet these expectations. These unrealistic expectations put a lot of pressure on your teen and can cause them to feel unworthy if they cannot achieve these goals.
Evaluate your expectations to make sure that they are fair and that you are not expecting outcomes that you and your teen have no control over.
3. Separate your expectations from your acceptance
When your teen fails to meet your expectations, they should not fail to receive your love. Your teen should feel that they are loved and valued regardless of whether or not they earn a certain grade, complete a certain chore, or check off any of the boxes on your checklist of expectations.
Often the conflict between teens and parents over expectations comes from the teens’ fears that their parents don’t like them or accept them when they miss the mark.
Ensure that your teen never feels that way by celebrating their small successes and progress, letting them know that you love them for who they are and not for what they do, and showing unconditional positive regards even if they don’t meet your expectations.
When your teen knows that you will always love, support, and accept them, it will prevent them from experiencing feelings of shame, anger, resentment, or unworthiness surrounding your expectations.
The next time your disappointment seems overwhelming or it gets in the way of your relationship with your teen, remember to communicate and evaluate your expectations with your teen and remind them they are more than their actions and accomplishments.