Shame is a powerful emotion that everyone has experienced at one point or another in their lives. Unlike guilt, which is a feeling of disappointment over something we have done, shame is a feeling of disappointment about who we are as a person.
When we drop the ball or miss the mark, our shortcomings can make us feel like we are worthless.
This feeling is especially common in teenagers, who often have a hard time separating their sense of self from their performance and are frequently tasked with facing new situations and handling new responsibilities that can result in failure.
When a teenager is rejected after asking out their crush, they might feel unloveable.
When a teenager is having trouble balancing their schoolwork and extracurriculars, they might feel like a failure.
When a teenager makes a mistake or says or does something they swore they would never say or do, they might feel irredeemable.
These feelings of shame damage their self-worth and negatively impact their relationships and their mental health.
As the parent of a teenager, it is devastating to watch your teen wrestle with feelings of shame. One of the best ways for you to help your teen avoid spiraling into shame is to help them learn to recognize shame so that they can work to combat these feelings whenever they arise.
Here are some cues to help you and your teen recognize shame:
Verbal cues
An easy way to tell if your teen is experiencing shame is through their conversation. Listen for direct and indirect indicators of shame:
Using words that are often synonymous with shame like embarrassed, humiliated, ashamed, and mortified
Using words that indicate a lack of belonging like abandonment, isolation, alone, rejected, and alienated
Using words that indicate that they feel worthless like inadequate, deficient, inferior, and failure
Using words that indicate that they are feeling extreme embarrassment like defeated, foolish, stupid, and idiotic.
Using words that indicate anger like irritated, enraged, furious, or pissed
Using words that indicate numbness like blank, numb, indifferent, or hollow
While the context in which your teen uses these words is important to keep in mind, the increased or frequent use of these words is typically a sign that they are feeling shame.
If your teen plays poorly in their basketball game and says, “I’m so humiliated,” or “I’m such a failure,” chances are that they are feeling something a little deeper than slight disappointment about their performance.
Pay close attention to any verbal cues that they might use that signal feelings of shame.
Hiding shame
In addition to providing verbal cues that indicate shame, your teen might use verbal patterns that indicate that they might be trying to hide feelings of shame.
Your teen might use words or phrases to try and make something appear less severe or painful.
For instance, if they are cut from the team, do they say things like, “It’s no big deal, I didn’t want to play this year anyway” even when they are visibly upset? If they are not able to get a date for an upcoming dance, do they say, “Dances are stupid anyway. I’d rather be home playing video games” even though you know they were excited to go? This could be a sign that they are trying to hide feelings of shame.
Your teen may also act defensive or provide distractions when you approach them about a tough situation or circumstance.
For example, if you say, “I’m sorry that you won’t have a solo at the concert on Friday. I know that has to feel disappointing,” they may counter by trying to change the subject or making a joke to shift the discussion from their true feelings, or they might counter with a defensive remark like, “Why would you think that I’d be disappointed?” or “Stop projecting your own disappointment onto me. You care more about the dumb solo than I do!”
Teenagers typically hide feelings of shame through denial, defensive comments, distraction, or withdrawal, so be on the lookout for these behaviors.
Paralinguistic cues
When your teen is talking to you about a sensitive or taboo topic where they are experiencing shame, they may demonstrate some of the following paralinguistic cues:
Speaking softly to the point where their words are almost inaudible when speaking about something that is causing them shame
Pausing or hesitating before talking about a sensitive topic
Speaking so quickly that it might be hard for you to understand what they are saying, especially if they are talking about a topic that is taboo
Interrupting themselves mid-sentence or mid-conversation in order to censor what they were going to say or change the topic
These paralinguistic cues can be important signs for you to consider when it comes to recognizing shame.
Visual cues
Even when your teen is not saying anything that might help you recognize that they are experiencing shame, their behavior can communicate a lot.
If your teen is engaging in hiding behaviors like lowering their head, covering parts of their face with their hands, or averting their gaze when speaking to you, they might be feeling shame.
Other visual cues include blushing, clearing their throat frequently, fidgeting, false smiling, and pacing.
When you notice your teen exhibiting these behaviors, you should consider that they are likely experiencing shame.
While helping your teen learn to recognize shame is vital for their emotional and mental well-being, it is important to keep in mind that context matters and that your job is to provide support and not judgment.
Although this list is in no way exhaustive, it is important to know that the more cues you notice from each category, the stronger the evidence for the presence of shame.