If you’re anything like most parents of teenagers, you probably wish there was a switch you could flip or a button you could press to magically change your teen’s behavior and help them have positive interactions with others.
Unfortunately, these changes do not happen overnight, and it can take time, encouragement, and practice before you see your desired results.
Just like you can’t expect a beautiful butterfly to exist without a period of time when the caterpillar is in a cocoon, you can’t expect your teen to modify their behavior instantly.
Think of the process it takes to turn a giant cruise ship. Turning the ship doesn’t happen immediately and all at once, and there are plenty of waves along the way.
As you and your teen work toward reaching your goal, there are a few elements you should keep in mind:
Encouragement
While your teen certainly will not change overnight, they might start taking steps in the right direction. When your teen is making progress, make sure you show encouragement and support. This can give them the boost they need to continue heading toward success.
Patience
Even when your teen seems to be making great progress, there are going to be bumps in the road and times when they stumble along the way. Be patient when these moments occur and do not automatically assume that a mistake means that your teen was never sincere or making progress in the first place.
Change
Before you see a significant change in your teen, you might even need to make a change yourself by working to create an environment and relationship that is conducive to success.
There’s a common saying, “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again.” However, this does not mean that when you try again, you should be doing the exact same thing that you were doing before. Sometimes, you need to switch up your methods or approach the problem from a different angle before you find success.
If you are using any of these old methods, but you are failing to see results, you will want to make a change.
Old habits like these will not work:
Yelling at your teen when their behavior doesn’t change
Taking away their belongings or privileges when they misbehave
Using fear or intimidation to encourage compliance
Walking on eggshells in order to appease your teen
Making demand and saying things like “because I said so” in order to put your foot down with your teen
Using control and authority to try and force your teen to behave
Giving in to whatever your teen wants so that you can avoid meltdowns or arguments
If you are used to using any of these tactics with your teen, you are probably struggling to see lasting results and, to be honest, chances are you will never see results this way.
The truth of the matter is that rules, demands, and control are not the reason why teens behave. Teens behave and communicate with their parents because of the relationship they have with their parents, not because of a boundary or guideline that is in place.
So what does that mean for you as a parent?
Should you stop giving your teen rules or enforcing your boundaries? Not at all! This simply means that instead of relying on these factors to encourage your teen to change, you need to prioritize building your relationship.
Building a relationship with your teen
When you have a positive relationship with your teen, they will be more likely to follow your guidelines, communicate their feelings effectively, and listen to what you have to say.
Here are a few steps you can take to help foster a stronger relationship with your teen:
Connect with your teen
Whenever possible, try to find ways to connect with your teen. Take an interest in the activities that are important to them, and make it abundantly clear that you like spending time with them and connecting with them each day.
When you are able to talk and connect with your teen, even about small things, it will make it easier for them to come to you with bigger issues in the future before these issues escalate into problem behaviors.
Try coming up with a list of ways for you to connect with your teen this week in order to get the ball rolling. Keep this up for a few weeks, and you will recognize a positive shift in the dynamic between you and your teen.
Practice active listening
Active listening will improve your relationship with your teen because it will help you connect with them while also helping them to feel valued.
If your teen wants to discuss something with you, give them your undivided attention. Try to restate and rephrase what they say in order to indicate that you understand what they are saying to you. When appropriate, you can also use non-verbal cues like nodding or leaning forward to indicate that you are listening.
Practicing active listening will help build a foundation of trust and good rapport that will make it easier for your teen to talk to you about their big emotions and encourage your teen to show you mutual respect.
Validate your teen
Offering validation is a good way to show your teen that you are in their corner and you understand what they are going through.
When your teen feels angry, upset, or anxious about something, take a moment to let them know that you understand how they feel and that their feelings are valid.
Saying something as seemingly simple as, “I know playing basketball means a lot to you, and that you put in a lot of effort to improve this summer. I understand why you are angry about not making varsity this year,” or “I don’t blame you for being disappointed that you didn’t get invited to go prom dress shopping. I would be upset, too,” can make a big difference when it comes to your relationship with your teen.
Validating your teen’s feelings shows them that you care about what they have to say, that they are not alone with their feelings, and that you are a safe person to go to when they are feeling big emotions.
Even if you do not agree with your teen’s feelings or you believe that they had a role to play in the situation that they are upset about, providing validation is a crucial part of developing a healthy relationship with your teen.
For example, if your teen is angry because they failed their math test, it is okay to recognize and validate their anger, even if you personally feel that they did not put in a lot of effort when studying for the test. Show your teen that even when you do not agree with their behavior, you still support them and recognize their feelings.
When your teen is able to trust you with their big emotions, they will be more likely to discuss these feelings with you instead of allowing these feelings to cause them to act out.
Communicate your goals
While it can be tempting to blame your teen when they engage in problematic behaviors, it is important for you to remember that the two of you are on the same side. It is not you versus your teen, but rather the two of you versus the problem.
With this in mind, think about your actual goal and how you can have a conversation with your teen about how the two of you can work toward this goal without putting any blame or undue pressure on your teen’s shoulders.
When your teen knows that you are trying to work with them to solve a problem instead of considering them to be a problem, it can help the two of you have a stronger relationship with one another.
Provide unwarranted attention
All too often, parents only show their teens attention for one of two reasons:
Good performance: Teens receive attention and praise for behaving perfectly, making excellent grades, and other positive accomplishments, but they do not receive praise otherwise.
Negative behavior: Teens receive attention and reprimands when they act out or otherwise misbehave, but they do not receive any attention otherwise.
When teens feel like they only receive your attention for good behavior, it puts pressure on them to try to be perfect and reach goals that are often unattainable or sustainable. They will also start to believe that you only value them for what they are able to accomplish instead of who they are.
When teens feel like they are constantly being chided and that you only pay attention to them when they do something wrong, it can lead to feelings of shame. Your teen might even start to believe that you do not like them because they are “bad.”
Either of these situations can put a rift between you and your teen.
Try to provide your teen with attention and validation simply for being who they are regardless of what they are or are not able to do. This will go a long way toward helping your relationship with your teen grow strong.
If you want to see positive results and changed behavior from your teen, working on building your relationship is a crucial first step.