As the parent of a teenager, you are probably all too familiar with the term “pushing your buttons.”
This term refers to whenever people say or do something in order to create an emotional reaction or response.
Chances are your teen has done at least one of these things to push your buttons:
Slamming doors
Rolling their eyes
Saying inflammatory statements like, “I hate you,” or “You’re not my real mom/dad, so I don’t have to listen to you!”
Lying
Making threats to run away or hurt themselves
When your teen says or does any of these things, it often leads to you pushing one of your teen’s buttons back in return by doing any or all of the following:
Labeling
Criticizing your teen and/or their friends
Futurizing
Blaming them for doing developmentally appropriate behaviors
Generalizing or using clichés
While it can be tempting to continue to do these behaviors any time your teen does something that really gets on your nerves or causes you to be upset, it’s important to understand two key factors:
Your teen’s actions don’t just come out of nowhere. There is a reason why they seem to push your buttons.
Your response plays a major role in whether or not these actions will continue.
The “Button Pushing Cycle”
In order to prevent your teen from continuing to elicit an emotional response from you, it is crucial that you understand the “Button Pushing Cycle.”
Part 1- Your teen misbehaves
Your teen does or says something that they are not supposed to say or do. Maybe they miss curfew. Maybe they got in trouble at school. Maybe they snuck out of the house when they were grounded. Whatever the situation, your teen did something that crossed a boundary.
Part 2- You step in to correct the misbehavior
Because your teen broke a rule or violated a boundary, you step in as the parent in order to correct the misbehavior. This can cause your teen to feel upset, unheard, or unappreciated.
Part 3- Your teen pushes your buttons
Out of anger for your correction, your teen may choose to “up the ante” by pushing your buttons. When you try to speak to them about their misbehavior, they may roll their eyes or say something like, “You can’t make me!” or “You never loved me!”
While it might seem like this behavior is done solely to get a rise out of you, it’s important to consider the fact that this behavior might not be personal. If your teen is used to getting their way when they behave in this manner, they may have learned over time that these button pushers are effective tools for getting what they want.
Part 4- You push your teen’s buttons in response
If you do take the situation personally, you might push your teen’s buttons back in response. This is usually done in order to try to stop the behavior, drive your point home, or get your teen to realize that what they are doing is unacceptable.
While you aren’t doing this to intentionally hurt your teen, it can still cause the situation to escalate.
Part 5- Both you and your teen continue to escalate the situation
Your teen will likely escalate the situation by pushing another one of your buttons, causing you to push another one of their buttons in return. This causes the problem to grow and takes attention away from the original problem or misbehavior that you were trying to correct in the first place.
Part 6- There is a lose-lose situation
You lose control and start to match the behavior of your teen, and your teen is rewarded by not having to correct their behavior. Your teen’s feelings are hurt, and they walk away feeling bad.
No problems are solved, and your relationship is in a rocky place. This is the last thing you want to happen when you talk with your teen.
Avoiding the “Button Pushing Cycle”
Fortunately, there are a few steps you can take that will help you avoid falling into the “Button Pushing Cycle.”
Remain aware of your own emotions. Make sure you are in the right headspace and emotional state to talk with your teen so that you do not lose control of the situation or let your emotions get the best of you.
Don’t take button-pushing personally. Remember, your teen is likely just falling back on habits that have worked in their favor in the past.
Try not to push your teen’s buttons. Write down a list of actions or words that seem to push your teen’s buttons and try to avoid these button-pushers regardless of what your teen says or does.
Be patient. You won’t be able to change this “Button Pushing Cycle” overnight. Be patient and work toward making a change and you will notice improvement over time.
