When your child was younger, you probably had many dreams about who they would grow up to be and what their life would be like in the future.
You never expected your child would end up wrestling with crippling anxiety, engaging in self-harming behaviors, falling behind in school due to severe depression, or hating spending time with family when they got older. You never expected that a chronic illness or physical condition would keep them from playing sports, attending school regularly, learning to drive, or participating in a host of other activities.
Because you envisioned a particular life for your child, it can be difficult, and even painful, to see that everything isn’t working out the way you had hoped.
While it might seem like you should just push through any pain you’re feeling, it will be more helpful for you and your relationship with your child to take the time to grieve the hopes and dreams you had for your teen.
Why grieving is important
Grieving the life you pictured for your child is important because it will keep you from harboring resentment, anger, sadness, and bitterness.
Maybe you always pictured that you would coach your teen’s baseball teams, but a physical illness has kept them from being able to play baseball at all.
It’s natural to feel sad that you don’t get to watch them play the sport or bond with them through coaching their team. If you deny those feelings, they will only build until they spiral into stronger, uglier feelings.
When you are full of anger, sadness, and other negative emotions, it can be detrimental for your own mental health. This can not only affect you, but it can also have a negative impact on your relationship with your teen.
By allowing yourself to acknowledge your feelings, you can practice coping strategies that will better help you manage these feelings.
Ways to grieve the life you envisioned for your child
Here are some steps you can take to help process your emotions and grieve the life your child isn’t able to live:
Explore your emotions
Before you can address your emotions, it is important to know exactly what you are feeling. Find ways to recognize and acknowledge your emotions through activities like journaling and mindfulness behaviors.
You might not realize the extent of your grief or any accompanying emotions until you take the time to explore what you are feeling.
Validate your own emotions
Acknowledge that whatever feelings you are experiencing are valid.
It is okay for you to be angry. It is understandable that you are experiencing sadness. There is nothing wrong with you feeling hurt.
Once you are able to recognize and validate your emotions, you can start coping with these emotions in a healthy way.
Learn healthy coping strategies
When your feelings of grief feel overwhelming, try calming down and managing these emotions using healthy coping strategies.
Here are some activities you might find helpful:
Mindfulness meditation
Yoga
Sports and other physical activities
Journaling
Deep breathing
Therapy
Listening to music
Walking
Talking to others
Self care activities
When you have strategies in place to keep your emotions from feeling insurmountable, you will be better able to process your grief.
Practice gratitude
While your teen’s life may not be what you imagined it would be, and it is okay to feel grief over this loss, there are still opportunities for you to be grateful.
Whether your teen is fighting anxiety, depression, or a chronic illness, try to find moments to practice gratitude in the midst of hardship.
When your teen that normally struggles with crippling anxiety makes a new friend at school, celebrate this win. When your teen with anger issues takes time to calm down instead of lashing out in anger, be grateful for this progress.
Practicing gratitude will help you shift your focus from the negative aspects of your teen’s situation to the positive, allowing you to experience feelings other than grief.
Seek out support
Remember that you don’t have to carry all of your grief alone. Don’t be afraid to reach out to others if you need support.
A trusted friend, family member, or therapist can help you talk through the complicated emotions you may be feeling. Instead of bottling up your grief, you can share your feelings with people who will listen without judgment.
Attending therapy will be especially helpful because therapists are trained to help you navigate complicated emotions, and they will be able to provide you with helpful coping skills that you can use to manage your feelings.
One thing that is sure to make pain and grief feel worse is to experience those emotions all alone.
Find a strong support system that you can lean on when times get tough so that you don’t have to be alone with your grief.