If you’ve read the news, looked at social media, or gone into work anytime over the past couple of years, you’ve probably heard people talking about pronouns.
At some point or another, you’ve likely seen someone with a social media bio or email signature that says “she/her/hers,” “he/him/his,” or “they/them/their.” Maybe you’ve even been asked which pronouns you use.
Regardless of how you have heard about the topic of pronouns, this topic is here to stay. It’s important for you to be aware of pronouns and how they relate to gender identity so that you can be the best possible parent or guardian, colleague, and friend to those around you who may use pronouns that you wouldn’t expect.
This is especially important if you have a teenager at home, as this age group is more likely to share pronouns with others and use gender-neutral pronouns than others.
If you’re not quite sure what pronouns are and why they are important, this guide will help.
Here is the information you need to know about pronouns and ways for you to talk about pronouns with your teen.
What are pronouns?
Pronouns are a part of speech that refers to the participants in a conversation.
If you want to talk about your coworker named Sally, it can be tiresome to say sentences like “Sally went to get Sally’s purse so that Sally could meet Sally’s client at the restaurant.”
It would be a lot easier to just say, “Sally went to get her purse so that she could meet her client at the restaurant.”
Pronouns save time and help make it easier for us to communicate with one another.
Everyone uses pronouns, regardless of their gender identity. “I” is a pronoun, “we” is a pronoun, “my” is pronoun, and there are over a dozen other pronouns in the English language that people use to refer to themselves and others.
However, because pronouns are used to identify ourselves and others, it is important to use the correct ones.
That’s where personal pronouns come into play.
If someone identifies in a way that is best supported by using “he/him/his” pronouns, then using “she/her/hers” to refer to him would be problematic. Using incorrect pronouns would be an attempt at invalidating his identity, which is both harmful and disrespectful.
While you would never intentionally invalidate the identity of your teen, if you haven’t had a conversation with them about pronouns, you may accidentally use pronouns that they don’t identify with when you talk to them.
It’s important for you to discuss pronouns with your teen so that you can be certain about the pronouns they use.
Best practices for discussing pronouns with your teen
Simply being aware of conversations regarding pronouns and taking the time to discuss pronouns with your teen is a positive step that will have a positive impact.
However, navigating these discussions can be tricky. Like many parents, you might be worried about saying the wrong thing or accidentally upsetting your teen.
If you are wondering how you can broach this subject with your teen, here are some best practices to consider:
Be available
For many teens, talking about their pronouns with a parent or guardian seems daunting. You can help take a lot of the pressure off by making sure you’re available to talk to them when they are ready.
Normalize the experience of using pronouns and let your teen know that you are more than happy to talk about pronouns whenever they would like.
Saying something as simple as “I want you to know that I love you, and I’m here to talk with you about gender identity or pronouns whenever you’d like to talk,” can make a huge difference when it comes to helping your teen feel comfortable sharing their pronouns with you.
Be honest
It’s okay to be honest with your teen and let them know that you won’t always know the exact right thing to say.
Let them know you’re trying and learning and growing, and give them permission to correct you if you make a mistake or miss the mark in any way.
Be affirming
When your teen shares their pronouns with you, show them unconditional love, acceptance, and respect.
It can be incredibly painful for teens when their parents use incorrect pronouns, judge their use of pronouns, or question whether or not they should really use certain pronouns.
Let your teen know that you love them and make sure to use their pronouns correctly.
Be prepared
Your teen may be ready to have a discussion about pronouns before you bring this topic up with them.
Make sure you are ready for this discussion by staying informed about any new developments regarding this subject, practicing active listening, and making sure you are actively working toward growth in this area.
Be open to asking questions
If you don’t know your teen’s pronouns or you are unsure of how best to support them, the best thing you can do is ask!
This way, your teen can tell you their pronouns and any other information they feel comfortable sharing, and you don’t have to worry about using the wrong pronouns accidentally.
Note: when asking about their pronouns, avoid using terms like “preferred pronouns,” which imply that your teen’s pronouns are just a preference.
Here are a few questions you could try:
Do you have certain pronouns that you feel best match your gender identity?
What pronouns do you use?
Are there pronouns that you would like for me to use with you?
My pronouns are _________. What are yours?
If you feel like your teen would be comfortable opening up about their pronouns, asking questions like the ones above can be an effective way to start this discussion.