There are many people who allow their needs to take the back burner out of fear and anxiety. They eat their food without complaint when a waiter brings them the wrong order, they hold their tongues when faced with microaggressions, and they are hesitant to speak up when their needs aren’t met.
Oftentimes these actions aren’t because they do not care about their needs, but rather because they don’t know how to communicate what they need without feeling like they are being a burden or stepping on someone else’s toes.
However, the thing about needs is that they are more important than wants. If someone’s needs aren’t met, it can have dire consequences.
If a teenager needs to start seeing a therapist, but they aren’t able to let their parents or guardians know, they will miss out on the opportunity to get crucial mental health services. If a parent is feeling overwhelmed and needs a couple of hours to themselves for self-care, but they aren’t able to let their partner know, they may not be able to receive a much-needed, well-deserved break.
It’s important for everyone to be able to have the confidence to express their needs because that is often critical to having those needs met.
If you’ve noticed your teen has trouble speaking up about their needs, encourage them to practice the DEAR MAN skill.
The DEAR MAN skill is seven steps- Describe, Express, Assert, Reinforce, Mindful, Appear, Negotiate)- that help improve interpersonal communication. Using this skill will help your teen step up their confidence so they can express their needs while maintaining healthy relationships with others.
Here is a breakdown of how each step of the DEAR MAN skill can be used to help your teen communicate effectively.
Describe
The first step your teen needs to take is to describe the current situation they are facing. This shouldn’t involve any feelings or subjective comments yet, but rather facts about what is going on and what your teen is reacting to.
Simply stating what is going on will make sure everyone is on the same page during the conversation.
Express
Once your teen has laid out the situation, then they can start to share their own feelings.
Remind your teen that other people don’t necessarily know how they feel, so they can’t expect them to know or get upset when they don’t. It can be easy for your teen to feel upset and aggravated that someone is doing something that makes them feel hurt without realizing that they never expressed their feelings to that person in the first place.
Assert
After your teen has shared how they feel about the situation, it is time for them to ask for what they need.
All too often people say that they feel upset or angry or disappointed and expect others to step in and know exactly how to fix the situation at hand. It’s important for your teen to remember that people are not mind readers. The best way for people to know what your teen needs is for your teen to tell them directly.
Reinforce
Your teen can reinforce or reward the other person ahead of time by sharing the positive and negative consequences surrounding their assertion.
For instance, if your teen is trying to communicate that they need to start seeing a therapist, they can state how starting to see a therapist will help them better cope with their trauma and improve their interpersonal relationships. They could also mention what they fear might happen if they don’t start therapy.
This step shows just how important your teen’s needs are which will make it far more likely for them to have these needs met.
Mindful
Throughout the conversation, your teen needs to be mindful. Teach them to focus on their main goal without getting distracted or sidetracked.
Sometimes it can be difficult to ask for what you need. Let your teen know that these types of conversations are not always smooth sailing and that they may be met with opposition, threats, anger, or attempts to change the subject. Through all of this, your teen needs to know not to waver and to stay focused on what they set out to accomplish.
Appear
Even if your teen is nervous, it is crucial for them to appear confident and competent when they make their request. Have them do the following:
Make eye contact
Speak up without whispering
Avoid stammering if possible
Use a confident tone of voice
Don’t backtrack or waver when challenged
This will help them better communicate the seriousness of their request.
Negotiate
The final step in the DEAR MAN skill is to be willing to negotiate when appropriate. While there are certainly situations where negotiation should not be on the table, for the most part, it can be helpful for your teen to ask for other solutions to their problem.
Maybe they say no to a request, but they offer to help in a different way. Maybe they compromise on their request so that both parties are happy.
As long as the compromise still helps meet your teen’s needs, then it can be a good option.
When your teen is able to use the DEAR MAN skill effectively, they will be able to communicate their needs to others instead of allowing other people’s feelings to take priority.