Raising a biologically sensitive teen — a Fire Feeler— can feel like taking a roadtrip without your GPS. You know where you want to be, but it seems like every twist and turn is confusing and brings you to uncharted terriroty. The parenting strategies that worked for your other kids or your friends’ kids don’t seem to be working, but you’re unsure of what to do differently.
Enter the DBT Core Mindfulness Skills. These skills are the foundational building blocks of awareness to build upon in learning to regulate yourself and supporting your teen in doing the same. Below, let’s break down each core skill and how you can use it.
Observe
What It Is: Observing means noticing what is happening around you and within you without trying to change it. It’s about being present and aware of your thoughts, feelings, and surroundings.
Application: When your teen is talking to you, focus on truly observing them. Notice their tone of voice, body language, and facial expressions. This can help you understand their emotions better and respond more appropriately.
Example: If your teen comes home upset, instead of immediately asking questions or offering solutions, take a moment to observe. Are they angry, sad, or frustrated? Observing without immediate reaction gives you a clearer picture of what they’re going through.
Describe
What It Is: Describing involves putting your observations into words. It’s about stating the facts of what you observe without adding interpretations or judgments.
Application: When you describe what you see or hear, it helps clarify situations for both you and your teen. This can reduce misunderstandings and promote clearer communication.
Example: If your teen seems stressed, you might say, “I noticed that you seem tense and quiet tonight.” This simple statement can open up a dialogue without making assumptions about why they feel that way.
Participate
What It Is: Participating means fully engaging in the current activity with your full attention. It’s about being involved in the moment.
Application: Participate in activities with your teen. Whether it’s a shared hobby, a conversation, or just spending time together, being fully present can strengthen your bond.
Example: If your teen enjoys cooking, join them in the kitchen. Participate actively by helping with the preparation and showing genuine interest in the activity. This shared experience can foster a deeper connection.
One-Mindfully
What It Is: One-mindfully involves doing one thing at a time with full concentration. It’s about being present in the moment without distraction.
Application: Practice being one-mindfully when interacting with your teen. This means putting away distractions like your phone or TV and giving them your undivided attention.
Example: When your teen wants to talk, focus solely on the conversation. Listen intently and respond thoughtfully. This shows them that you value their time and what they have to say.
Non-Judgmentally
What It Is: Being non-judgmental means observing and describing without adding personal judgments or evaluations. It’s about seeing things as they are without labeling them as good or bad.
Application: Approach your teen’s behavior and emotions without judgment. This creates a safe space for them to express themselves openly.
Example: If your teen shares something difficult, avoid saying things like, “You shouldn’t feel that way” or “That’s not a big deal.” Instead, acknowledge their feelings by saying, “I understand that this is hard for you.”
Effectively
What It Is: Being effective means doing what works in a given situation. It’s about focusing on your goals and acting in a way that helps you achieve them.
Application: Think about what you want to accomplish in your interactions with your teen. Whether it’s resolving a conflict or supporting them through a tough time, focus on what actions will be most effective.
Example: If your goal is to help your teen open up about school stress, consider what approach will work best. Maybe it’s having a calm, private conversation or perhaps it’s doing an activity together that makes them feel relaxed and more willing to talk.
You’ve Got This!
By integrating these DBT skills into your daily life, you can create a more supportive and understanding environment for your teen. Observing, describing, participating, practicing one-mindfully, being non-judgmental, and acting effectively can help you navigate the challenges of parenting teens with greater ease and connection. Remember, the goal is not perfection but progress. Small, consistent efforts can make a significant difference in your relationship with your teen.