Sometimes having a conversation with your teen can feel like pulling teeth.
You ask them about their day, only to be met with “fine,” or “good,” and nothing else.
You try to make small talk about their interests only for them to roll their eyes, give a one word response, and ask, “Can I go now?”
We know how disheartening it can be to feel like you aren’t able to converse and connect with your teenager no matter how hard you try.
While there isn’t a magical solution you can implement with the snap of your fingers that will make it easier to communicate with your teen, you can take steps toward having more engaging conversations by asking more open-ended questions than closed-ended questions.
What are closed-ended and open-ended questions?
Closed-ended questions are questions that only require one or two words to answer.
Many people think that closed-ended questions are only “yes or no” questions. While “yes or no” questions fall into the category of close-ended questions, there are many other questions that can also be considered closed-ended.
Any question that can be answered in just a couple of questions, thus cutting the conversation short, can be considered closed-ended.
For example, “How was your day?” While this is not a “yes or no” question, it only requires a couple of words to answer. How was your day? Good. How was your day? Fine. How was your day? Not bad.
This type of question doesn’t invite further conversation, and it makes it easy for your teen to give a short response and leave.
Open-ended questions, on the other hand, require more of a response than just a couple of words. They require more thought, and your teen won’t be able to give a short response without being rude.
For instance, if you were to ask, “What was your favorite part of your day today?” or “What would you have changed about your day today that would have made it perfect?”
While these questions still focus on the nature of your teen’s day, they require elaboration and will provide the opportunity for you to engage them in conversation.
Why are open-ended questions better than closed-ended questions?
Open-ended questions are beneficial for a few reasons:
They invite your teen to converse with you. If you only ever ask closed-ended questions, your teen doesn’t have to do anything other than give you one or two words in response. Not only does this put a stop to the conversation, but it can also make teens feel like you don’t care to hear more than a couple of words from them about their lives.
They feel welcoming. When you ask closed-ended questions over and over, especially on unrelated topics, it can make your teen feel like they are being interrogated. How was your day? Fine. Did you see your friends? Yes. Did you get any homework? No. Did you turn in your homework from yesterday? Yes. See how this can get frustrating for both you and your teen?
They help you learn more about your teen. If all you ever hear about your teen’s day is that it was “fine,” you won’t get to know them better. However, asking questions like “What subject would you add to the school day if you had a choice?” “What’s the most frustrating thing about school?” “Who would you say is your favorite teacher right now and why?” will help you get more insight into their life.
How can I ask more open-ended questions?
Sometimes asking open-ended questions can be a struggle, especially if you’re not in the practice of doing so regularly.
Here are some tips to help you ask more open-ended questions when talking with your teen:
Ask follow up questions. If you find yourself asking a closed-ended question, try following it up with another question. For instance, if you were to ask, “What is your favorite subject?” You could follow their short-response with a question asking why that subject is their favorite.
Write down a list of questions to ask. While it might sound silly, writing questions in advance can help you start thinking about what types of questions you can ask your teen and give you some ideas that you can use later. Although you don’t want to read off of this list when you talk to your teen, having them written down will allow these questions to be at the forefront of your mind when your teen comes home from school.
Pay attention. If you are giving your teen your undivided attention when they talk with you, you will have a better idea of what topics to bring up in future conversations. Plus, when your teen knows that you will actively listen to them, they will be more likely to share information with you.
Over time, you will find it easier to have longer and deeper conversations with your teen, improving your relationship and connection with one another.