Does your teen always strive to be perfect?
Maybe when they were little, they would erase all of their work and start over if their handwriting wasn’t pristine or they made a simple mistake. Maybe in elementary school they only had a good day if they earned a gold star or didn’t miss a single question on their assignments. Maybe they are only satisfied with receiving straight A+’s on their report card.
While it is good for your teen to hold themselves to a high standard, it is also important for them to know that it’s not possible for them to be perfect all the time. You can’t get an A+ in life! There are going to be times when your teen will miss the mark, make a mistake, or experience a situation that is outside of their control.
If your teen is a perfectionist, it can be a challenge for them to deal with setbacks, failures, and other obstacles they face in life. While it might sound strange, one of the best things you can do to help your teen is to show them that it is okay to make mistakes and that it is impossible for them to be perfect.
Here are a few tips that might help you:
Show your teen that perfection can be an obstacle
Some people think perfectionism makes teens better students, learners, and people, but this could not be further from the truth.
There are some students who fail to turn in their homework assignments on time because their work isn’t quite perfect yet by the time it is due. There are others who don’t submit their art projects or their science projects because they don’t want to make a mistake and get a low grade. Other students stress themselves out by starting assignments over again and again or constantly reviewing their work out of fear that they will make a mistake. Others procrastinate on starting their assignments because they are worried that they will do the assignment incorrectly.
Perfectionism doesn’t just influence schooling, either. Some teens will refuse a well-deserved solo in choir, band, or orchestra so that they don’t risk missing a note. Others skip trying out for sports teams because they are afraid they won’t be the perfect athlete or that they might make an error while playing a game.
In this way, perfectionism doesn’t serve to help them reach their goals, but actually acts as an obstacle to their goals.
It is important that your teen knows that perfectionism can actually have a negative effect on their life and the goals they want to achieve. Consider the famous John Steinbeck quote, “And now that you don't have to be perfect, you can be good.” Let your teen know that by letting go of their perfectionism, they are opening the door to success and growth.
Talk to your teen about their perfectionism
Sometimes your teen may not know that they have fallen into the trap of perfectionism. When your teen seems to be doing something or saying things that might demonstrate that they are allowing perfectionism to get in the way of their happiness or success, try having a conversation with them about how they are feeling.
For instance, if your teen says that they aren’t trying out for soccer because they are afraid they might make a mistake or let the team down, try asking them, “What would happen if you were to miss a penalty kick?” or “Do you think it’s likely that other people on the team might make a mistake or two while playing in games?” or “If soccer is a team sport, wouldn’t a loss be on the team rather than something that would fall only on your shoulders?” or “Wouldn’t you still support your teammates if one of them happened to miss a goal?”
Questions like these will get your teen to think about why they are placing the burden on themselves to be perfect while also reminding them that nobody is perfect.
Remind your teen that perfection is impossible
Like everyone else that has ever lived, your teen is going to have experiences in life where no amount of hard work, preparation, or perfectionism could have changed the outcome of their situation.
There are people who work out daily and only eat the healthiest foods that still have to deal with chronic health issues. There are people who put in their best effort at work and innovate creative solutions for their companies, only for those companies to go out of business.
Life will not always work out the way your teen wants it to work out, and in this unpredictable life, perfectionism is not sustainable.
Avoid perfectionism
Sometimes as parents we can inadvertently fuel or teen’s perfectionism.
If you are too hard on yourself when you make mistakes, you might be modeling perfectionism for your teen. If nothing your teen does is ever satisfactory in your eyes, you might be encouraging them to practice perfectionism.
Avoid perfectionism yourself by showing your teen it is okay not to be perfect.