While every parent wants their teen to walk in their footsteps, this is not always the case. Sometimes teens will want to carve their own path, one that doesn’t necessarily align with their parents goals and expectations.
Maybe they aren’t completing their schoolwork or they aren’t putting their best effort toward a project or extracurricular activity. Maybe their life goals seem to go against their parent’s values.
If you find yourself frustrated because your teen’s choices are not matching your vision for their life, it can cause a rift in your relationship. It’s important to find ways to connect with your teen and to show them that you value them, even if they aren’t quite meeting your expectations.
One way you can do this is by practicing radical acceptance.
Don’t worry; this does not mean that you have to emphatically agree with every decision your teen makes. Radical acceptance does not mean radical approval.
Rather, radical acceptance is a skill used in dialectical behavior therapy (dbt) that can help you learn to cope with and accept factors you cannot change and maintain positive relationships with others.
What is radical acceptance?
Radical acceptance means completely accepting within your heart, mind, and body that
Everything has a cause
The facts about the past and the present are real even if you don’t like these facts
Everyone has limitations on their future
Life is worth living even with pain
When you fight against reality, set unrealistic goals and expectations without considering limitations, or you are trying everything in your power to avoid pain, it only leads to bitterness and disappointment.
Radical acceptance can help you learn to understand that your teen may not always make perfect choices, but that pushing for them to be in perfect alignment with your goals is futile.
Practicing radical acceptance
Here are a few ways you can start practicing radical acceptance with your teen:
Practice self-awareness. Be aware of moments when you are fighting against reality. If you say things like “It shouldn’t be this way” or “it is unfair for my teen to think this way,” it is a sign that you aren’t accepting reality as it is.
Remember that there is a reason for everything. Your teen didn’t wake up and decide to make certain choices or decisions for no reason. Their lives, beliefs, and decisions have been shaped by a series of factors that you need to consider. Acknowledging the steps that led to their path will help you regard them with empathy and acceptance.
Acknowledge your feelings. It’s okay to feel sadness, disappointment, or grief because of the path that your teen has decided to take. Suppressing your feelings instead of recognizing them and expressing them in a healthy way can cause more harm than good.
Remind yourself that life is worth living. Even when your teen’s choices are painful, or it breaks your heart to see your teen heading down a path that is not in their best interest, it is important to remember that life is still worth living in spite of the pain that it can bring.
Think and plan ahead. Imagine the worst-case scenario in your mind, and practice coping and accepting that reality. When you are able to prepare for seemingly unacceptable realities, it will make it a lot easier for you to handle the current reality of your situation.
Practice total acceptance. Find ways to push your mind, body, and spirit into a state of acceptance. Try meditation or deep-breathing exercises to remain calm and positive when faced with a difficult reality. Practice saying phrases that demonstrate acceptance. Write about the truth of the situation you are facing in your journal. These practices will help you begin to engage in radical acceptance.
If your teen decides they want to go down a path that is less than ideal, these techniques can help you practice radical acceptance. This way, instead of feeling deep hurt or devastation, you can cope with this reality and understand that life will still go on even if your teen doesn’t change.
Holding on to bitterness, trying to force impossible changes, or creating expectations that are unrealistic will not serve you well, and it can be detrimental to your relationship with your teen.
As you strengthen your ability to practice radical acceptance, you will find that you will be able to handle when your teen is making choices that don’t live up to your expectations without feeling any resentment or anger in the meantime.