We’ve all had times when we have looked back and cringed at situations where we made a misstep or said something embarrassing. Why did I say that? I wish I hadn't done that! What must those people think of me?
While it is natural to have these thoughts from time to time, especially when we’ve done something incredibly awkward or embarrassing, if we are constantly bombarded by these thoughts, it can disrupt our quality of life.
If your teen wrestles with social anxiety, they may experience ruminating thoughts after a social event. This constant cycle of replaying negative situations and conversations from an event over and over again without being able to let go of these thoughts can cause them to think negatively about themselves and feel anxious about attending other events in the future.
Ruminating thoughts and the social anxiety cycle
Although ruminating thoughts might not seem like a major problem, they can have a major impact on their progress toward managing their social anxiety, practicing positive self-regard, and avoiding avoidance.
Here is how ruminating thoughts play a part in the social anxiety cycle:
1. Self-evaluation and ruminating thoughts
When your teen goes to a social event, whether it is an award ceremony for school or a gathering with their friends, they might have high, or even unrealistic, expectations for what is going to happen at the event:
Maybe they think that they are going to have conversations with several people at a party only for no one to approach them at all
Maybe they think all of their friends will laugh at a funny story they tell, but everyone just pretends to chuckle awkwardly
They may also have an embarrassing moment or another negative experience at a social event:
Maybe they accidentally misspoke when telling a story at a dinner party
Maybe they tripped or spilled something on their shirt
Maybe their friends were talking about a topic at a party that your teen doesn’t know about
When these situations happen, your teen might find themselves moving toward the first step in the social anxiety cycle: self-evaluation.
When their expectations do not align with reality, they might have thoughts like Maybe nobody talked to me because no one likes me or I never have anything interesting to say. Why did I even try to talk?
When embarrassing situations occur, your teen might focus on these negative experiences until their thoughts spiral out of control. Why did I say that?! Why can’t I do anything right? Everyone must be thinking about how dumb I am.
As you can see, it can be easy for your teen’s experiences at a social event to trigger negative beliefs about themselves that then take hold and become ruminating thoughts. When this happens, teens are likely to move into the next step of the social anxiety cycle: increased anxiety.
2. Increased anxiety surrounding social events
When thoughts about their mistakes and pitfalls are perpetually on their mind, your teen will start to become more anxious when they need to attend social events.
They will start to dread social situations out of fear that they will experience the same feelings they experience during prior social events or out of their internalized negative beliefs about themselves.
If your teen feels like they look weird and everyone is going to stare at them at a party, they will feel nervous about attending another party. If your teen feels like they never have anything valuable to say, they are going to feel anxious when they have to go to a social event where they will have to speak with others.
This will increase their social anxiety as well as their desire to avoid social situations altogether. When this happens, you may notice your teen frequently complains about being sick or says they would prefer to stay in and do homework rather than go to a social event.
While ruminating thoughts might start small, they are a part of a vicious cycle that can lower your teen’s self-esteem and make it difficult for them to cope with their social anxiety.
Breaking the social anxiety cycle
If you realize that your teen struggles with ruminating thoughts, here are a few ways you can help:
Talk about these thoughts with your teen. Your teen may not even realize they are experiencing ruminating thoughts! Have conversations where you explain why people may have intrusive or ruminating thoughts after social events and make sure your teen knows they are not alone.
Teach your teen to manage their expectations. Chances are that when your teen attends a party with several attendees, everyone will not be able to have a conversation with your teen, even if they want to do so. When your teen tells a story, chances are that every single person in attendance will not find it funny. Help your teen temper their expectations so they do not blame themselves when everything doesn’t work out as planned.
Brainstorm worst-case scenarios. Although this might seem counterproductive, it can help your teen to know that even if their worst-case scenario occurs, they have the strategies and support they need to cope with these negative situations.
Practice mindfulness. When your teen is more aware of the factors that trigger ruminating thoughts, they will be better prepared to break the cycle when it starts. When they notice themselves starting to ruminate on past experiences, encourage them to focus on the present moment through mindfulness activities like yoga, deep-breathing, meditation, or journaling.
As your teen continues to practice these strategies, their ruminating thoughts will become less frequent, and they will have tools to help them move on from these thoughts and live in the present.