There is no better feeling than when your teen brings home straight A’s or receives accolades for being a top student, volunteer, or athlete. Every parent wants their children to be successful, and when your teen is making great strides in this direction, it can be easy to feel like everything is going perfectly.
However, sometimes this very perfection can be more of a problem than a success.
For many teens, when they strive for perfection, they start to base their identities and their futures around what they are able to achieve instead of who they are as individuals.
While this might not sound like the worst thing in the world, it can actually have disastrous effects. Here are some problematic behaviors that are commonly seen when teens are perfectionists:
Feeling shame or self-loathing when they earn a low grade or fail to reach one of their goals
Cheating or practicing any other form of academic dishonesty when they are at risk for receiving a grade that is lower than an “A”
Procrastinating on school work until they are positive that they will receive an “A”
Caring more about receiving an “A” than about learning in class
Refusing to ask for help or ask questions out of fear of being wrong
Being unable to accept or process constructive criticism
Avoiding challenging classes or activities because they are afraid of failing
Being unable to accept praise for their accomplishments because they weren’t quite perfect
Judging others for their failures, mistakes, or missteps.
Feeling physically or mentally sick about the prospect of falling short of others expectations
Putting aside their own wants and needs in order to please others
Lashing out when other people say or do anything that makes them feel less than perfect
Perfectionism can lead to anxiety, depression, and alienation in teens, and it can even cause teens to feel stress and helplessness to the point where it affects their performance in school, athletics, and extracurricular activities.
Helping your teen avoid perfectionism
While you certainly want the best for your teen, and it is great to see them thriving, it is important that you help them move from perfectionism. Here are a few ways you can support your teen and combat perfectionism:
Set attainable goals. If your teen is taking all AP or IB classes, playing a sport, and involved in a host of extracurricular and volunteer activities, it might not be feasible for them to bring home an “A+” in every class. Make sure that you talk to your teen about their goals and what it is reasonable for them to achieve.
Praise your teen for being who they are. If the only time your teen receives positive attention or praise from you is when they do something extraordinary, it will send the wrong message. Remind your teen that you value them just as much when they do something perfectly as you do on any other day.
Reward learning. When your teen asks questions or takes steps that focus on the learning process instead of just their grades, make sure you offer praise. Instead of saying “you’re so smart!” tell your teen how you are proud of them for working hard and trying their best. Instead of getting disappointed when your teen tries something hard and fails, let them know that you are impressed that they were willing to take on a challenge in the first place.
Encourage positive self-talk. When your teen starts to feel negatively about themselves for being less than perfect, show them how to practice positive self-talk. This will go a long way with helping them avoid self-loathing and shame.
Avoid perfectionism. As a parent, you should model the behavior you want your kids to emulate. If you are a perfectionist, your teen may feel like they need to be one, too. Show your teen that it is okay to make mistakes by owning up to your shortcomings and asking for help when needed.
Offer support. Avoiding perfectionism is easier said than done. When your teen is wrestling with perfectionist-related stress, anxiety, or depression, make sure you practice active listening, empathize with their situation, and offer support. Perfectionism can lead to isolation, so you do not want to add to this problem by being unavailable or unrelatable.
While it is normal for you to want your teen to succeed and for your teen to want to do well, perfectionism is a trap you do not want your teen to fall into. By keeping the above strategies in mind, you can help your teen learn to be content with their present situation and maintain high expectations for themselves without becoming a perfectionist.