As a parent, you have certain duties and responsibilities that you are obligated to provide for your teen. These are necessities that your teen has the right to have regardless of their thoughts, words, and actions.
In addition to providing these rights, you will likely also have times where you go beyond your teen’s needs and give them gifts and extras just to make them happy, and you will have times when their behavior causes them to earn privileges that they enjoy.
While it makes you happy to be able to give your teens everything they need as well as some of what they want, it can become problematic when teens start to confuse the two.
When your teen feels entitled to gifts or gets upset when they lose privileges that they have started to see as rights, it can breed bitterness and resentment.
It’s important that both you and your teen are able to recognize what constitutes a right, a gift, and a privilege so that lines between these lines won’t be blurred.
Rights
There are certain rights your teen must have no matter what. These are typically their basic needs as well as anything that preserves their human dignity.
Some of your teen’s basic rights include:
Food and water
Clothing
Shelter
Safety
However, in addition to these basic rights, there are other rights that your teen should have:
The right to privacy. Your teen should be able to have an appropriate amount of privacy. This does not mean that they should be able to do what they want without telling you or that you can’t look at their grades, but rather that you should knock or communicate with them before entering their space, avoid reading their journals or private diaries, and allow them to have time alone. This will help foster their independence and autonomy.
The right to love. Your teenager deserves to feel safe when they are at home and to know that the love they receive from you is not conditional. While there are certainly going to be times when you are frustrated with your teen, your teen should never feel like they are hated or unwanted.
The right to be respected. Teens should know that their parents will treat them and their belongings with respect. This means that they should be free from being belittled, harassed, shamed, mocked, or otherwise disrespected.
All of these rights are something that your teen receives regardless of whether or not they behave, do well in school, or complete their chores, and they cannot be taken away as punishment.
Gifts
Gifts are extras that parents provide in addition to their teen’s rights. While it is nice for teens to receive gifts, they are not necessary and should not be expected.
For example, just because a parent is responsible for providing their teen with clothing does not mean that teens should expect their parents to buy them $200 sneakers or to drop everything on a whim to take them shopping. Just because parents should make sure their teen gets to school does not mean that the parent must buy their teen a car or pay for their gas.
When parents choose to buy their teen gifts, it is important for teens to realize that they don’t have a right to demand or expect these items.
Privileges
Privileges are activities your teen enjoys that are not directly related to their needs. Watching television, going out with friends, and having the freedom to drive where they would like to go are privileges.
Unlike rights, privileges are conditional, and they can be taken away.
If your teen misses curfew, you cannot take away their access to food, water, shelter, and clothing. However, you can tell them they are no longer allowed to use the family car to visit with friends until they can prove that they will be more responsible. If your teen fails a math test, you cannot take away their right to privacy, love, and respect, but you can limit their screen time or tell them they are grounded from doing fun activities until they pull their grades up.
While teens may feel like it is unfair for parents to revoke their privileges, it is absolutely within your power as a parent to take away privileges based on your teen’s behavior.
Understanding the difference between rights, gifts, and privileges can help you make sure you aren’t violating your teen’s rights while also preventing your teen from feeling entitled to certain gifts and privileges.