Like most parents, you want what’s best for your teen. In order to help them succeed, it’s only natural that you have high expectations for them and that you provide support and encouragement to help them meet these expectations.
While setting goals for your teen is important, there can be a point when these high standards can become overbearing and unrealistic. When this happens, it sets both you and your teen up for disappointment. You become upset that your teen is not meeting your expectations, and your teen becomes upset that they have pressure to meet an unreasonable goal.
To avoid causing a rift in your relationship with your teen, it’s crucial that you make sure that your standards are reasonable and feasible. Remember, nobody’s perfect! Not you, and especially not your teen whose brain is still developing.
To help maintain a positive relationship between you and your teen, here are a few unreasonable expectations that you should avoid:
Perfectionism
If you can’t go through life without making at least a few mistakes, then you shouldn’t expect your teen to be able to do so either.
Many parents expect their teens to bring home straight A’s regardless of their workload and extracurriculars, study for hours every night even when they don’t have homework, avoid speeding at any time while driving, always speak respectfully, and never be in a bad mood.
While it would be great if your teen could do all of these things, chances are there will be times when your teen misses the mark.
For this reason, it is important that you do not try to force your teen to be perfect. Acknowledge that there are times when your teen will get a bad grade or two on a test. Realize that teens are moody, and there will be moments when they want to be left alone. Recognize that there will be moments when your teen is tempted to skip out on homework.
This will help you come from a place of understanding when your teen makes a mistake. While it is reasonable and important for you to give your teen consequences for certain behaviors, it is also vital that you are willing to approach your teen with the understanding that they are not perfect and they will make mistakes in life.
Ruination
When your teen does make a mistake, it can be easy to start to believe that they are going to eventually ruin their lives if they are allowed the freedom to continue making their own choices.
However, it is unreasonable for you to expect your teen to surrender all control and freedom to you out of fear.
You shouldn’t expect your teen to stay home all the time out of fear that if they break curfew, they are going to end up doing drugs or getting pregnant. You shouldn’t expect your teen to become a bad or violent person just because they do not always get along with their siblings. Remember, your teen is still growing, and they are going to change as they get older and wiser.
Try to remind yourself that giving your teen freedom is the way for them to learn responsibility, even if they make mistakes along the way. If your teen makes a mistake, you can always just pull back on that freedom for a while, and then give them another chance.
Malicious intent
When your teen says or does something that makes you upset or hurts your feelings, you might think that they are doing it on purpose to hurt or get back at you. However, it can be incredibly harmful to your relationship with your teen to expect them to act maliciously toward you.
For the most part, when teens act out, it is because they are being impulsive, yearning for control, or self-centered. Teens often don’t think too far ahead, and they have a tendency to prioritize their own needs, which means that they might act selfishly or without much thought. When this happens, it’s crucial for you to realize that their actions are not malicious and typically have nothing to do with you.
Love, appreciation, and gratitude
Some parents expect their teens to always show love, appreciation, and gratitude for the sacrifices that they make. If their teen doesn’t thank them regularly, share information with them, or want to spend time with them, then they think that means their teen doesn’t love them.
This couldn’t be further from the truth. When teens decide to spend less time with their parents or to share less information about their lives, it is because they are becoming increasingly interdependent, not because they don’t love or appreciate what their parents have done for them.
When you are able to keep yourself from placing these expectations on your teen, you will notice that you are your teen will be able to avoid the resentment, bitterness, and disappointment that comes from unrealistic standards and unreasonable expectations.