Parents: You Can't "Get" Your Teen To Do Anything

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Many parents compare their interactions with their teens to a game tug of war. 

As a parent, you just want what is best for your teen, and you try everything in your power to help them reach their fullest potential. However, what you feel is best for your teen may not always align with their own feelings on the matter.

Maybe you want them to sign up for an SAT prep course because you know a high score on the SAT will boost their potential for college acceptances and scholarship money in the future, but your teen feels like self-study is a better route.

Maybe you feel like they are in a relationship that is unhealthy, but they are head over heels and won’t listen to anything you have to say about their significant other.

Maybe you know that they need treatment to address anxiety, depression, or problem behaviors, but they seem to lack motivation to make progress in treatment or they resist treatment altogether.

When you and your teen don’t see eye to eye, you might be tempted to try and force them to make the choices you feel are best; however, this will not always work out in your favor.

Trying to pull your teen in the right direction can be exhausting, and it is often ineffective. Your teen is not going to be able to change if they do not want to change. 

When your teen is not quite ready for treatment, for example, you will not see much progress if you force them to go. Their lack of motivation and investment in the process will make any change painstaking slow, and it will hinder their ability to grow.

Although you can’t get your teen to do anything, you can still encourage them to take steps in the right direction.
Here are a few tips that can help:

Understand the stages of change

There are five stages of change: precontemplation, contemplation, preparation, action, and maintenance.

When your teen is in the precontemplation stage, they are not willing to make any changes any time soon. In the contemplation stage, they are beginning to think about taking action to fix a specific problem. When they reach the preparation stage, they are dedicated to taking action toward change. In the action stage, they are actively making progress and changes to their behavior. When your teen is in the maintenance stage, they are continuing these behavioral changes.

Being able to know these stages and recognize which stage your teen is currently in will help you offer support and guidance as they work toward change.

Find support

If your teen is in the precontemplation stage, there is not much you can do to push them toward getting the treatment they need. Instead of trying to force your teen to get help, take this opportunity to find your own support and learn how to unilaterally make changes at home. This way, you are helping yourself and your teen without pushing your teen when the time isn’t right.

Offer rewards and consequences

Just because your teen isn’t ready to receive treatment to stop engaging in problematic behaviors does not mean that you have to allow this behavior in your home.

Try using systems of rewards and consequences to help them take steps in the right direction. Offer praise and positive reinforcement for desirable behaviors and negative consequences for behaviors you want to eliminate.

Model the behavior you want to see

If your teen notices that you are not getting the support you need or that you are not willing to make changes in your own life, it can make them feel like there is no point in trying to address their own problems.

Don’t be afraid to let your teen see that you are willing to ask for help and receive support when you need it.

Be patient

Remember, you cannot get your teen from the precontemplation stage all the way to the action stage overnight. Your teen needs to want to change first, and even then the path toward action can be arduous. 

In the meantime, it is important to be patient and offer support and unconditional positive regard. Let your teen know that you are on their side and willing to help them when they are ready.

It can be difficult to wait on your teen to start making changes, so it is also crucial that you are practicing self-care and addressing your own needs as you wait. This will help make sure you are in the right mindset to support your teen even when they only seem to be taking baby steps toward progress.