If you’re the parent of an emotionally sensitive teen, you may be all too familiar with a few big emotions, and not just the ones that come from your teen.
Chances are over the past few years, you’ve experienced any or all of the following:
Anger
There may be times when you are feeling angry about your teen’s reactions or at your partner for contributing to problematic behaviors.
Has your teen ever yelled at you, slammed doors, or stormed out after you when you have asked them to stop doing something?
When you tell your teen “no,” do they have a tendency to say things like “I hate you!” or to use seemingly manipulative tactics that make you feel guilty.
Does every conversation you have with your teen seem to end with tears or other emotional outbursts?
These big emotions will take a toll! Especially when it seems like your partner is supporting these negative feelings and behaviors.
Maybe you are trying to get your teen to avoid avoidance behaviors, but your partner is enabling these behaviors by allowing your teen to skip out on social events. Maybe you have tried to set firm boundaries for your teen, but your partner has a tendency to let any boundary violations like breaking curfew or missing classes slide.
When it seems like your partner is not on the same page when it comes to managing your teen’s behaviors, it can be easy to feel angry and betrayed.
These feelings of anger are only exacerbated when you are struggling to handle your highly sensitive teen’s big emotions day after day.
Guilt
It might seem like no matter what you do, it is never good enough to really help your teen.
You’ve tried setting firm boundaries and loosening these boundaries. You’ve tried spending more time with your teen and giving them space. You’ve tried encouraging them to exercise. You’ve tried taking them to therapy. But regardless of the actions you have tried to take, it can still feel like you haven’t done enough to help your teen.
When this happens, it can be easy for you to fall into a cycle of harmful thought patterns:
Maybe if I had tried a different approach for handling my teen, they wouldn’t have suicidal thoughts right now.
This is all my fault. I should have set firmer boundaries when they were a young child.
If I had been a better parent, my teen wouldn’t be struggling or behaving like this.
Maybe they are self-harming because of me.
I failed as a parent. If I were a good parent, my teen wouldn’t act out this way.
While none of these thoughts are true, it is completely natural to have these thoughts and to wrestle with guilt. You are not the only one who feels this way- parent guilt is real!
Grief
While you haven’t physically lost your teen, you might still feel grief that your teen isn’t the child that you expected and hoped for when you envisioned their life and your relationship with them.
When your teen was little, you probably imagined having a positive relationship filled with great memories, happiness, laughter, and love. If your teen doesn’t speak to or interact with you, or you cannot remember the last time your teen was happy, it is normal to feel a sense of loss for the child and the life you envisioned and what “could have been.”
Frustration
We’re all familiar with the adage, “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again.” But what happens if you try again, and again, and again, and again with no results?
When the boundaries, the support, therapy, the group, the hospitalization haven’t helped your teen get any better, it breeds frustration and makes it hard for you to want to get back on the saddle.
Maybe you recognize some of the following thoughts:
Why is my teen still self-harming after we have spent so much time in therapy? Why isn’t the therapy working? Should we just throw in the towel?
How come my teen is still doing these risky behaviors? Maybe setting boundaries is pointless!
If you’ve tried a hundred different possibilities, but nothing is working, you might find yourself feeling frustrated and discouraged.
You might also start to feel fed up with the treatment options you are using. When you hear conflicting information from different therapists, and none of these strategies are helping your teen, it can be hard not to feel frustrated!
Feeling this way can lead you to lash out at your teen, your partner, or others, making it even harder for you to offer help.
While it’s important to push past these frustrations and keep trying to help your teen make progress, it can certainly feel exasperating in these moments. Your frustration is valid, and many other parents feel the same way as you do.
Hopelessness
In addition to feeling frustrated, you might also feel hopeless when nothing you try seems to be helping your teen get better.
We’ve tried therapy, I guess my teen is always going to self-harm. I don’t think they will ever be happy. I’ve tried everything- these outbursts will be inevitable. There is nothing I can do to help them stop engaging in self-destructive behavior.
When every step you and your teen have taken to provide the help and support they need proves fruitless, it can feel like nothing will ever get better and that there is no use in continuing to try.
If you can relate to this feeling of hopelessness, or to any of these feelings or experiences, know that you are not alone. By the time many parents find our center, they’ve already experienced years of intense emotions and behaviors at home and have already tried tons of treatments and therapies.
We understand, and we can help.
We know that you’ve tried different methods to help your teen without any success. We know that you are grieving the loss of the teen and the parent-child relationship you dreamed of having when your teen was young. We know you are trying hard not to blame yourself, but that it is hard to keep feelings of guilt from peaking in and tainting your self-worth. We know that your child’s big behaviors and emotions can take a toll on your own well-being and cause you to feel angry and upset.
We understand your anger, your grief, your frustration, and your guilt, and we want you to know that your situation is not hopeless. We can help you take steps toward change and restructuring your home environment in ways that are conducive to your teen’s success and teen safety without any judgment.