There’s been a lot of conversation lately about adult children going no contact with their parents. Oprah discussed it recently on her podcast, and many adults resonated deeply with what was shared. For some, it felt validating. For others, it felt terrifying.
But as someone who works with teens and parents every day, I think the most important part of this conversation isn’t about adulthood at all.
It’s about adolescence.
Because no contact doesn’t usually start as a sudden decision made at thirty. It’s far more often the endpoint of patterns that began years earlier, when a child was still living at home and learning what it felt like to speak up, need something different, or set a boundary.
No Contact Is Rarely Impulsive
From a clinical perspective, when someone chooses to go no contact with a parent, my first reaction isn’t judgment or surprise. It’s empathy.
That choice is almost always rooted in pain.
I work from the belief that all behavior carries a message. When we decode the behavior instead of reacting to it, we can understand what someone needed and didn’t receive.
Seen through that lens, no contact is rarely reactive or impulsive. It’s usually a last resort.
What I often wonder is:
Did this person try to ask for boundaries?
Did they try to name what hurt?
Did they attempt to explain, more than once, what they needed in order to stay connected?
And were those attempts met with criticism, dismissal, shaming, or defensiveness?
When someone repeatedly reaches for connection and is met with emotional danger, their nervous system adapts.
The Nervous System Tells the Story
If we think about the nervous system states of fight, flight, freeze, and fawn, no contact begins to make a lot more sense.
A child or teen might first try to fight by arguing or pushing back.
They might fawn by over-accommodating or minimizing their own needs.
They might freeze by shutting down emotionally.
When none of those strategies create safety, flight becomes the only option left.
In adulthood, that flight can look like geographic distance, emotional distance, or full no contact.
That isn’t rejection; It’s regulation.
Sometimes time apart is what allows a nervous system to calm enough to even imagine repair.
What’s Missing From the Public Conversation
What’s being oversimplified in the current cultural narrative is the idea that no contact is dramatic, trendy, or driven by impulsive emotional reactions.
That framing ignores two critical realities.
First, the power dynamic between parent and child does not disappear when a child turns eighteen. Parents still hold emotional power, even in adulthood.
Second, distance is often not about punishment. It’s about protection.
When advocacy doesn’t feel safe, distance becomes the boundary.
That nuance matters, especially for parents who are listening to this conversation and feeling scared or blamed instead of curious and reflective.
Where Parents Get Stuck
From the parent side, experiencing emotional distance or no contact is devastating. I don’t minimize that.
What I see most often is parents getting stuck on what I describe as the blame–shame continuum.
Shame sounds like:
“What did I do wrong?”
“I must be a terrible parent.”
“How did I fail so badly?”
Blame sounds like:
“My child is too sensitive.”
“They’re ungrateful.”
“This is their issue, not mine.”
Both reactions are understandable. And both pull parents out of grieving.
Acceptance is a form of grief. And grief is painful.
But without grief, there’s no room for insight. And without insight, there’s no path forward.
Repair Requires Two Tasks
If repair is going to happen, whether during adolescence or later in adulthood, it always requires the same two ingredients.
Validation and change.
Validation means acknowledging the harm that was caused. Understanding why it hurt. Resisting the urge to explain it away or defend intent over impact.
Change means being willing to do something differently. That might look like going to therapy, learning new communication skills, listening without correcting, or stopping a behavior that has been repeatedly named as painful.
Insight without behavior change is not repair.
Compliance without understanding isn’t either.
Why This Matters So Much for Parents of Teens
Here’s where I want to shift the focus.
Because parents of teens still have time.
The relationship you are building with your teenager right now is laying the foundation for the relationship you will have with them as an adult.
That doesn’t mean perfection.
It means skills.
Parents learning how to regulate their own emotions, respond with empathy, and tolerate discomfort now is protective. It changes the trajectory.
And this is where nuance matters.
Relationship-first parenting does not mean permissive parenting.
You can hold boundaries and values while staying emotionally connected.
“I care about you, and I’m not going to let you go out drinking tonight.”
That sentence contains love and limit at the same time.
Kids don’t follow rules because rules matter to them. They follow rules because relationships matter to them.
When the relationship is protected, limits land differently.
Adolescence Is the Training Ground
Teens are learning, in real time:
What happens when I speak up?
Is it safe to disagree?
Can I ask for something different without being punished?
Do my feelings matter, even when they’re inconvenient?
These experiences shape how safe they feel staying connected later.
When teens feel chronically criticized, nagged, or like the bar is always moving, they don’t just feel frustrated. They feel unseen.
And unseen kids don’t disappear. They distance.
The College Transition Is a Critical Window
I hear a lot of teens say things like:
“I’m never coming home once I leave.”
“I can’t wait to get out of here.”
Sometimes that’s healthy independence. Wanting separation is developmentally appropriate.
But sometimes it’s information.
The college transition is a pivotal moment where patterns either soften or harden.
Parents have an opportunity to ask themselves some hard but important questions:
Am I a safe place to land?
Do I listen more than I lecture?
Do I ask what my teen needs, or assume I know?
Am I constantly criticizing, correcting, or raising expectations?
Am I giving them reasons to want to come home, to bring partners or friends home for holidays, to stay in contact in an age-appropriate way?
Connection doesn’t mean control.
It means curiosity.
A Message to Both Sides
If I could speak to both sides at once, this is what I would say.
To parents:
Because of the power you hold in this relationship, even in adulthood, it is your responsibility to go first. To regulate yourself. To reflect honestly. To learn what your child’s behavior is trying to tell you.
To teens and adult children:
You are responsible for advocating for yourself. And you have earned the right to stop trying if you have done that work and your needs continue to be dismissed.
All behavior carries a message.
The question is whether we’re willing to look underneath it, listen without defensiveness, and do something different before distance becomes the only option left.
Parenting teens is the long game.
And the skills you build now don’t just reduce conflict today.
They protect the relationship for decades to come.
Ready to build a stronger foundation with your teen? Our parent skills groups teach the validation and communication tools that protect relationships for life. Learn more about our parent skills groups here.