As the parent of a teenager, you’ve probably heard them make generalizations when things don’t work out the way they want.
If they get a failing grade on an English paper, they say things like “I’m never going to be good at English,” or “I’m always going to fail because I’m bad at this subject.”
If they aren’t asked to a school dance, they might say things like “I’ll never get asked out. It makes sense because no one likes me.”
If they don’t get a starting spot on the basketball team for a game, they say things like “I’ll never start. I’m just not good enough.”
Statements and generalizations like these reflect what psychologist Carol Dweck refers to as a fixed mindset.
This is an all-or-nothing mindset where people think they are either innately good at something or not. When teens have this mindset, they are more likely to feel like any setbacks are permanent and that they aren’t in control of making changes in their lives.
Think about the examples above. Instead of believing that a tutor or extra help from the teacher could help them improve their English grade, they believe they are always going to fail. Instead of thinking about reaching out and asking someone to dance themselves, they believe that no one will ever like them. Instead of thinking that extra practice could help them improve their basketball skills, they think they will never be good enough to earn a starting spot.
This fixed mindset is harmful because it keeps teens from improving themselves and it makes them limit themselves and their possibilities. When hardships come, they aren’t able to push through and overcome their obstacles because they feel like they aren’t good enough to do so. They may also be afraid to try new challenges out of fear of failure.
Parents should help their teens learn to develop a growth mindset instead of a fixed mindset. With a growth mindset, teens are able to develop resilience when things are not going perfectly, and they won’t be afraid to try new activities or face obstacles head-on.
Here are a few ways for parents to help their teens develop a growth mindset:
Teach teens the power of “yet”
Carol Dweck notes that the key to unlocking the growth mindset is to understand the power of “yet.” Instead of saying, “I don’t understand this math problem” and giving up, teens should say, “I don’t understand this math problem, yet” and keep working to solve it.
By reminding teens to add the word “yet” to the end of their sentences when they feel like they can’t do something, it can help them start to develop a growth mindset.
Practice saying this yourself in order to model this mindset to your teen. Whenever you catch yourself making a sweeping generalization about your abilities, add the word “yet” to the end of your sentence to show your teen the value of having a growth mindset over a fixed mindset.
Reward hard work over results
If your teen puts in hours every day after school to practice football, but they still don’t earn a starting spot, it is important for you to acknowledge that their hard work is valuable. Even if they didn’t achieve their desired results, they put in the effort that will make a difference in their game in the long run.
Instead of telling your teen how smart they are or how skilled they are, tell your teen that you’re proud of how hard they are working and how they persevere through challenges. When you reward your teen’s hard work, they will become more focused on the process than the end results.
Try new activities together
Show your teen that it is okay to not do things perfectly the first time around by trying new and challenging activities together.
Go to a rock climbing gym or try a new sport that the two of you haven’t played before. Not only will this help you and your teen bond, it will also help them start to develop a growth mindset.
As you try and fail and try again, your teen will learn the importance of tackling new challenges, even when they are going to prove difficult to master.
In life, your teen is going to face circumstances that they can’t conquer right away. Prepare them for these moments by teaching them that with hard work and determination they can improve on their weaknesses and handle the challenges that life throws their way.