If we asked you to tell us what number you see in the photo above, you’d say “six,” right? The number that is painted on that parking lot is clearly a six...that is if you are looking at it from the same angle as we are.
If someone were to look at this image from the opposite angle, where the number is in their upper right hand corner instead of in the lower left hand corner where we are looking, they would say that it is clearly a nine.
In this way, neither six nor nine are wrong answers. Both answers are true depending on the perspective with which we are looking at the number.
If someone were to stand opposite of you and argue that the number is nine, you wouldn’t start yelling back that it is actually a number six because you would see and understand that they are just looking at the number from a different side.
However, while we wouldn’t do this with numbers, this is exactly what many parents do with their teens when they argue about who is “right” and “wrong” in a particular situation.
While there are certainly situations where there are clear answers, there are many times when both your perspective as a parent and your teen’s perspective are both true. You approach situations with your teen based on your own experiences, and your teen approaches these situations based on theirs. This doesn’t necessarily mean that one approach is better or worse than the other. It just means that each approach is different.
If you and your teen can keep this in mind when approaching disagreements, it will be easier for the two of you to understand one another and eventually agree.
For example, you might think that it is insane for your teen to watch television or play video games when they come home from school when they are nearly failing all of their classes. In your mind, they should know how important it is for them to spend time catching up on their missing work so they can pass their classes, and it can be frustrating to see them missing this initiative.
On the other hand, your teen might feel like after going to school all day and then working an after-school job, they need a moment to breathe and let go of their stress before tackling homework. Or they may feel so overwhelmed by their missing work, that they are struggling to even know how to begin to complete it all.
While this can easily become a big argument, you can prevent this by having a conversation about both of your experiences and perspectives in order to find some middle ground.
Instead of thinking you are being unfair, your teen will recognize that from your point of view, you are worried that by procrastinating on their homework they are going to fail and close doors for their future. Instead of thinking they are being lazy, you will realize they are feeling stressed and overwhelmed, and you will be able to provide more support.
Whenever you start to feel like you and your teen are not on the same page about something, stop and consider whether the issue is just a matter of perspective. If you are simply seeing a “nine” whereas they are seeing a “six,” you may be able to resolve the issue by recognizing that you are both right and just seeing things differently.
When you suspect this is the issue, there are a few steps you should take:
Pause. Take a moment to consider that your argument may be due to a difference in perspective before the disagreement escalates any further.
Listen. Hear out your teen so that you can understand their point of view. Give them a chance to share their side without interruption.
Communicate honestly. When it is your turn to share your perspective, be honest about your point of view on the situation.
Try to find the middle ground. If neither of you is wrong, then there is likely a possibility that you can find some middle ground that you can both agree on as a solution.
While there will be times when you are right and your teen is wrong, and vice versa, it will be important and valuable for your relationship if you are able to recognize situations where both of you are “right.”