When most people think about the word consent, the first thing that comes to their mind is sex. From health class lectures to posters in the school hallway boasting slogans like “consent is hot, assault is not!” your teen has probably heard about consent dozens and dozens of times.
However, while teens seem to constantly receive the message that they need to ask for consent before sex, it doesn’t seem like these messages are always hitting home. Many teens feel weird about explicitly asking for consent because it doesn't feel natural.
This is because there is this misconception that consent only has to do with sex, and that it is only important in sexual situations. This couldn’t be more wrong. We ask for and receive consent for a multitude of reasons practically every day, and it is important that our teens realize that not only is consent not a weird thing to request, but it is something they should be in the habit of asking for even in non-sexual situations.
Everyday situations that require consent
When teens stop to think about it, asking for or giving consent is not as strange as it might seem.
Here are a few everyday situations where teens should be asking for or giving consent:
Sharing food
Imagine your teen has made cookies from scratch, and they are excited to share these cookies with their friend when they come out of the oven. When their friend comes into the kitchen, the first thing your teen is going to do is say, “Do you want a cookie? I made them from scratch!”
Your teen wouldn’t just throw a cookie at them or put the cookie into the friend’s mouth. That would be far more weird than asking if they want one!
If their friend says that they don’t want a cookie, your teen wouldn’t throw a tantrum, start begging them to eat the cookie, or threaten to end the friendship. How weird would that be?! Their friend would feel disrespected and would probably never come over again.
Or picture your teen is at a restaurant with their friend, and they notice that their friend’s pasta looks pretty good. Would they just stick their fork in their friend’s food and help themselves to a bite? Of course not! That would be disrespectful. They know they should ask first.
Explain to your teen that receiving consent is like offering their friend a cookie or asking to try a bite of their friend’s food. The same way they wouldn’t ever force their friends to share food, they shouldn’t force anyone else to do something they don’t want to do.
If you notice that your teen does have a hard time with this when it comes to sharing food, saying things like, “Please just try it, I worked really hard on these cookies,” or “I just took a small bite, what’s the big deal?” make sure that you step in and show them the importance of respecting other peoples’ choices.
Watching a movie
When your teen goes with friends to the movies or decides to host a movie night at home, they likely don’t pick the movie that everyone is going to watch. Instead, they ask what people are in the mood to see, and they talk about different options until everyone comes to an agreement.
If your teen demanded that everyone watch a particular movie, they probably wouldn’t be able to keep that friend group for long. By asking what everyone wants to watch instead, your teen is respecting everyone’s wishes and actively trying to make sure everyone has a good time and enjoys themselves while watching the movie.
If you ever notice that your teen has trouble with this, for instance, if your teen wants to watch a horror flick, but they have a friend who is afraid of scary movies, and they tease them or try to force them to watch it, then you should nip this behavior in the bud and remind them that consent goes far beyond the bedroom.
Teaching consent
Anytime your teen does something, even something small, that shows they are not respecting someone’s decisions or boundaries, it is crucial for you to step in and talk to them about consent.
The everyday scenarios above demonstrate that consent is about more than sex. It is about respect and valuing another person’s autonomy.
By teaching your teen how consent is used in these scenarios and that the consent is about respect, you will help make it easier for them to understand what consent is and is not when they are ready to have sex. This way, consent won’t be confusing, strange, or unimportant, and they will be far more likely to make sure they have their partner’s consent whether they are having sex or just interacting in day-to-day situations.